Mitzi Moments

Mitzi Moments

i leave you alone for 5 min…

By on November 24, 2008 in made for the maury show

So after six wonderful days of kicking it with my girl Carmen (sans cell phone, radio or internet) in Belize, I’m back. And just what do you think is the very first news story that I read is about? Wait on it…

Some 19 year-old college student in Miami that committed suicide live on the web. Seriously? And apparently, not only did a bunch of people log on to watch this unfortunate fool pop the lethal dose of prescription pills, some of the sickos were actually cheering him on. My god. What kind of world are we living in?

But admit it, as soon as you read: “suicide”, “live on the web” and “prescription pills,” the first thing that ran through your mind was- “Rich white kids got too much damn time and access. They can’t even kill themselves without an audience nowadays.” Right? Well, don’t feel bad. Me too. But don’t you know, ole dude was a black guy named Abraham…. Damn shame. I blame Paris Hilton.

everybody has a thing…

By on November 16, 2008 in Mitzi- all day every day

And for those that know me, it’s definately my birthday a.k.a Worldwide Mitzi Day!

So after kicking off my Jesus year celebration (if you don’t know about that, you better ask somebody) with a fabulous night of dinner and dancing with the girls, I’m headed out of the country to keep my party going for the next week.

No worries, while I’m gone I’ll be thinking of even more ridiculous moment mindset questions to leave you frustrated as all get out. And yes, when I get back we will definately discuss the 58% of you that want a partner who’s entire body stinks versus the 41% who voted for a nice person with the yuck mouth.

Till then, don’t forget to vote in this week’s poll question! You’ve got seven days, make it happen!

Till then…..

time to ride out…

By on November 14, 2008 in love be a cellulite cream

Well, lookee here- seems the saddlebags have it. A solid 63% would rather have (or date) a woman who bears the burden of stretch-marked saddlebags than deal with a noticeably flat butt. Mmm-hmm… I know that’s right.

‘Cause here’s the thing, no matter how fantastic the 36% of your legs look, nothing in the world overrides flatback (just ask Paris Hilton or Cameron Diaz). There are no miracle jeans tight enough to hide the fact that your neck runs into your ankles. And I’m not even gonna go there with the bikini bottoms…. I mean what are you gonna do, keep your back to the wall your entire life? No sir. All I can do is wish you good luck and an interesting collection of thongs.

As for me and my saddlebags… Well, we’ll be wearing Spanx and running on the treadmill until we straight collapse like Isaac Hayes- no offense. And if God forbid, that lifetime supply of Fatgirl Slim cellulite cream really doesn’t make a difference, there’s always dim lighting and dermabrasion.

rip old dirty bastard…

By on November 13, 2008 in feedback

In an ideal world, no one would have to choose between love and a dream career. But as we’ve all learned from watching TMZ- ain’t no such thing as a perfect world. No matter who you are…

With that said, I’m happy to report that romance is far from dead. A whopping 76% would choose finding the love of their lives over a dream career. Wow, I am very impressed. I guess my friend Melissa probably summed it up best when she said that she couldn’t imagine a job fulfilling her as much as being with her soulmate. And you know, like my very happily married homegirl who left her own fabulous life in the big city to move to a distant CT suburb so patiently explained to me when I balked at her drastic lifestyle change, “I thought I had everything until I met him. And then nothing mattered as much.” Feel free to insert the ooh, ahh and sigh. Don’t you just heart love?

But I gotta tell ya when it’s all said and done, I’m betting on Mitzi. Like the remaining 23%, I choose the career of my dreams all day every day. And it has nothing to do with believing that being wealthy will make me happy. Simply put, I’m not willing to depend on any so-called soulmate to “complete me.” Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for that. Besides, by now shouldn’t we all understand the basic science of maintaining a happy home??? “When mama’s happy, everybody’s happy but when mama’s ain’t happy…”
I wholeheartedly believe that if I’m pursuing my true passion, I can love and be more than satisfied with whomever I’m with (as long as we’re err-um physically compatible). Call me a control freak but the idea of waiting for the perfect person to experience the height of happiness is crazy. I’m all about making that happen now. Whenever Mr. Right shows up, he can join the party in progress (a.k.a get in where you fit in).
Disclaimer: This time around, I’m probably a bit bias because I really do LOVE my career (note: not a job)- annoying editors, stressful deadlines, check chasing and all. If I never ever, ever, ever get to be a nuevo black housewife with my nanny, maid and therapist dream team, I’ll be sad but certainly still wake up every day happy to do me.

god don’t like ugly…

By on November 12, 2008 in made for the maury show

You know what? Under normal circumstances, I would feel bad for any woman who is senselessly murdered by a group of strangers. But when you respond to an online KKK recruitment ad and then find yourself shot up and tossed under some bushes… well there’s just not much I can do with that. No offense.

And the worse part? Investigators are saying that deranged loonies that did this aren’t even a part of the “real” KKK (as if there are real and fake ways to be down with a hate group). As the Louisiana Parish Sheriff Jack Strain so kindly put it, “The IQ level of this group is not impressive, to be kind… This is not what I would call an established Klan group. Some of these guys are just crooks, sociopaths.” Good grief.

Read the story and go thank your parents for the common sense they instilled within you.

CATEGORIES