Mitzi Moments

Yo, what is it with the parental co-sign on the person you’re dating? I don’t care what anyone says, there’s nothing more gratifying than when your mom actually LIKES the person you’re sleeping with.

How-some-ever if your mom is anything like mine, that co-sign ain’t never come easy. Uh-uh, no maam. For the record, I can count on one hand the number of boyfriends that she’s actually liked. Because as she likes to explain, there’s a huge difference between tolerating and liking folks. Elsa sure can tolerate a lot of the tom foolery that I bring to her doorstep but that don’t mean she likes it- AT ALL.
Needless to say, like 50% of you guys I’ve learned to date without her approval. Otherwise, I’d probably be miserably married to a certain overweight, pigeon-toed, lame-o, nice guy that I met way back in high school who I could never stand the sight of but LOVED himself Mitzi (insert gagging sound). And where as all I could see were the rolls of fat and beads of sweat, my mom just saw all this unrealized future potential. Good luck.

As for the 50% of you who are willing to jump ship every time you don’t get the co-sign, I wish you well. Although admittedly, a mother’s foresight is generally 20/20 (cause lord knows our parents probably got into some shit dating back in the 70s). I think sometimes you need to take your lumps and bumps like a man. Otherwise, how will you truly be appreciative when the real thing comes along?

Of course, if I’m still single five years from now, I’ll probably have to suck it up and head back to E-Dub with my tail between my legs but till then… I’m going hard.

Not for nothing, this whole Chris Brown/ Rihanna situation is beyond tragic.

Two of our biggest music stars fighting in the street like a bunch of alley cats? No maam. If you ask me, both of their ill-behaved asses need a quick slap in the back of the head. Like, did you fools not get the memo that we have a Black President? Ya’ll ain’t the new Ike & Tina or even K-Ci & Mary! Puh-lease pull that shit together- not now but right now!!

And what’s really sad is that dude is only 19 years old. Chris is not even old enough to buy liquor and he’s already got a quick backhand? Seriously C-Breezy? Is this what you really wanna do? Cause last time I checked, you wasn’t nearly hood LIKE THAT. Humph. Well, if folks thought domestic violence amongst the teen and young adult demographic was just a good Tyra Show show topic, clearly you need to think again. It is very real out there….

So lemme tell you what had happened…

In true impulsive Mitzi fashion, in the middle of the night, I up and ordered a brown file cabinet from Staples. I mean it wasn’t really, really all that impulsive since I’ve allegedly been redecorating since October. However, I describe it as impulsive because genius that I am, I didn’t bother to check the measurements. I was just so relieved to 1) find a brown file cabinet (who knew how hard that color was to locate?) and 2) find it while Staples had a free next day shipping promotion going on, that I figured what the hell? I mean how big could one 2-drawer file cabinet be, right? Right.

Needless to say, the file cabinet arrives a day later and this mo-fu is huge. Huge like it takes up a complete third of my living room. And to make matters worse, its heavy as I don’t know what. There’s absolutely no way in hell I can just pick it up and take it back to Staples myself. At least not without giving myself a freaking hernia. So you know I’m super stressed out…

In this moment it dawns on me what the absolute worst part of being single is… No, it’s not the long nights the week before your period, the lack of companionship during all those annoying couple events or even the crazy dating games we all too often find ourselves caught up in. Yo, forreal, forreal, its the maintenance. Straight up. It’s the not having someone to put shit make back together when the little things make me wanna fall apart. From figuring out how to change a lightbulb in the vaulted ceiling to taking out the freaking trash to changing a flat tire on the side of the highway in the middle of the night and yes, getting this big ole stupid bix outta my damn house- I really miss the extra set of capable hands.

I’m telling you, when I finally land a boy worth mentioning, I’m always going to loan him out to all of my friends like books from the library. No questions asked. Cause that there feeling of helplessness is for the birds.

Why is it that as I get older, dating seems to get more and more complicated? Shouldn’t this process have started to figure itself out by now? You know, kinda like making that perfect sunny side up egg…

Here’s the thing: on one hand, I’ve got our girl Beyonce prancing around talking ’bout don’t sweat relationships. ‘Cause if it was that serious he should’ve put a ring on it. Word. So I’m taking my time, having lots of fun and doing me. No stress, no mess, just easy like Sunday morning. If I wanna hook-up, then I will. If not, so what. It all depends on how the breeze blows.

But then on the other hand, there are the women who I know in real time (versus the friend in my head) whom despite the odds actually HAVE rings. And according to these divas, unless I’m miraculously going to wake up tomorrow looking like Beyonce, the way to the proverbial 5-carat promised land requires me to settle my lil’ independent behind down and get focused. Ain’t no Sunday morning breezes round here goddammit!

Now, I’m all for living life to the fullest and being in control of my sexuality but mama knows that she wouldn’t mind having that Barack kinda love either. Bottom line: I’m torn.

So like I do with anything I can’t figure something out, I open my mouth and ask someone. Or in this case, I posted a poll to see what you all think about this whole dating/ relationship/ sex process. Maybe, just maybe, the numbers would give me some insight to what was working for the majority. Well guess what…

According to the poll, 50% of you guys think that dating, relationships and especially sex should all be generic. If you’re feeling it on the first, second or fiftieth date, as long as you’re being safe than you’re ready to get it on.

While the other 50%, insist on steps, stages and milestones with the whole dating / relationship/ sex process. X-nay on the unplanned interludes in the unisex Bar 59 bathroom for you.

50/50? Huh!?!? So essentially, it can go either way? Geesh. I’m right back where I started. Sigh. I see I’m gonna have to do a more specific poll to get to the bottom of this….

This is a really random question but when was the last time anyone tried to find a pair of pantyhose? No, I’m not talking tights- lord knows I wear a pair of those damn near every single day during the winter.

When I say pantyhose, I mean honest-to-goodness nude, taupe, sandy beige colored stockings. As in, last seen on a rerun of The Golden Girls… Yeah, I didn’t think it was going to be that many.

Well anyhoo, I’m on the hunt for a pair. And I have absolutely no idea what brand makes realistic colors for women of color. Last time I can remember actually wearing a pair that sorta kinda matched was when I spent a summer interning at an investment bank. Mmm-hmm, you can feel free to add that to the list of 25 Random Things You Didn’t KNow About Me.

So will someone please point me in the right direction? Brand and retail store specifics… I do not want to waste hours of my life shoving my hand in and out of all those half-hose testers, spend $15 I could use to buy Drama some dog food, only to get home and realize that the sheer sun-kiss almond makes my legs look like those of dead people.