pocket full of dirty tissue | Mitzi Moments

someone’s not celebrating father’s day…

By Mitzi on June 17, 2009 in made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue

So I’m reading the NY Post and there’s a story about a 50 year-old man in LaGrange, NY who stabbed his wife AND his teenage daughter in the neck with an ice pick earlier this morning. Which is crazy enough, but what really takes it over the edge is that neither of the two women is critically injury or dead. WTH?

How is possible to get stabbed in the neck with an ice pick and not be critically wounded? What kind of weakling is this man? And better yet, how did his punk ass manage to stab the BOTH of them? Not for nothing, but even if they were sleeping when the attack started, wouldn’t the screams from the first person to get stabbed wake the next?

I’ll tell you what, as much as I love me some Elsa, if someone was stabbing her in the neck with an ice pick, I gots to run and get help. Shooooot… ain’t no point in us both getting shanked. No offense.

Jesus be a good pair of running sneakers.

reminds me of my honey days…

By Mitzi on June 15, 2009 in desperate cry for help, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

It’s been a long while since I’ve come across a blog that I kid you not, makes me want to pee my pants. You know the ones that are so good you can’t help but stop whatever you were supposed to be doing (like work) read every single, solitary entry from wherever it starts until the very end?

But then, lo and behold- StopnReflect.com

There are no words for the tomfoolery that is this website dedicated to the fashion tragedies that occur New York City. I implore each and everyone to take a minute and check it out.

Oh and by the way, you now owe me a good laugh.

gravity is not my friend…

By Mitzi on June 10, 2009 in desperate cry for help, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Okay, real talk? I think my breasts are shrinking!

I used to be a very ample C/ borderline D-cup. Nowadays, I’m only halfway filling out the C cups. And puh-lease do not make the bra cup structured… they’re straight puddling in the bottom!! What the hell!?!?!?

I keep trying on all my bras, adjusting the straps, twisting from side to side and the results are still the same- freakin’ Magda boobs.

I feel so betrayed. I LOVE the twins. My market loves the twins. It’s not like I’ve lost considerable weight or been breast feeding anyone’s baby lately. How are they gonna just up and deflate on me like this?

I’m just saying… Don’t they know there’s a recession going on? I can’t afford to replace all the cute underwear sets. Sigh. And after all the exposure I’ve given them… ungrateful I tell you.

All I can say is, Jesus be the augmentation savings fund.

bill. it’s. your. baby…

By Mitzi on June 5, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

See now….

Sometimes a cause of death should just remain undisclosed. Did we really, really need to know that David Carradine was found with a rope tied to his neck and another to his genitals? Seriously? I just threw up in my mouth.

Cause now, anyone with a good gay friend (hey, G.P.) or S&M fetish (don’t even look over here)can tell you that this man done messed around and kilt himself playin‘ the reindeer games. And he was in Thailand? Land of the underage prostitutes and anything goes erotica scene? Sigh.

Damn Grasshopper…

jus’ mad cause she was in the penthouse suite…

By Mitzi on June 2, 2009 in made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

There are a lot of really, really, really good reasons to end up in jail: rape, murder, assualt, sex trade trafficking, multi-million dollar white collar crimes, domestic violence, and the list goes on. But adultery? Eh, not so much.

Apparently, a married British woman and her jump-off were arrested after her estranged husband took it the next level and tipped off the po-po that she was getting her swerve on at a 5-star hotel. But wait on it… As if the embarrassment of being snatched up by the cops in the public lobby of a hotel wasn’t enough, both were promptly sent to jail for an entire MONTH behind that mess. Mind you, the couple had been separated and in the process of getting a divorce for a hot minute.

Woah. Can you say, hi hater?

blah, blah, blah…

By Mitzi on May 19, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead

Maybe its just the mood that I’m in but, doesn’t it kinda seem like the celeb gossip blogs are EXTRA boring nowadays?

Like seriously, I used to live for the insane and totally inappropriate photos on Perez Hilton, Dlisted, The YBF, Crunk & Disorderly, etc but now…. Not so much.

First of all, its all too clear that certain Z-listers (yes, I’m talking to you Christina Milian) will attend the opening of a damn tuna can just to have their picture taken on a red carpet. Then, lemme ask you this- do you really give a damn what Kim Kardashian or Teairra Marie wore to go buy a cup of coffee this morning? Didn’t think so. Realistically, how many times can a nipple slip, crotch shot, “mysteriously leaked” sex tape or private photo collection be remotely shocking? Yawn.

I guess I just wish celebs would go somewhere and WORK. Um hello, we’re in a freaking recession. Shouldn’t you be in a studio or auditioning for a new TV show or something?

not red carpet ready…

By Mitzi on May 18, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm… did anyone watch that documentary ‘Farrah’s Story’, aka the Farrah Fawcett Death Watch last Friday night? Anyone? Anyone? Anyone?

Yeah, me neither. And it’s terrible, ’cause back in the day I used to L-O-V-E me some Charlie’s Angels. But on the forreal, forreal, I can’t get into the idea of watching someone with a terminal disease suffer to death. Been there done that, err-um no thank you.

Granted, I totally sympathize with the whole need to call attention to the lack of resources available to fighting colorectal/ anal cancer any way possible. But have we as a people become so desensitized to tragedy and death that an angel has to puke her guts on the camera for folks to give two cents?

Jesus be a bit a of home-training… just a little bit.

who the electric chair is made for…

By Mitzi on May 13, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

I’m almost embarrassed to admit it but the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan have gone on so long, I’m almost completely numb to the continual horror stories on the evening news. Which is probably why I didn’t pay attention to any of the details in the most recent tragedy at a clinic in Camp Liberty in Baghdad when five soldiers were murdered… Honestly, I simply assumed that it was another terrorist’s bombing. But this morning, I learned that it was actually an American soldier that killed his fellow soldiers. SMH.

But wait on it… Folks sensed that this guy was a loose cannon. Mmm-hmm… Not only was he on his THIRD tour of duty (which already tells you something) but apparently, Sgt. John M. Russell had just been ordered to turn in his gun and undergo counseling by his commanding officer because of erratic stress-related behavior.

So essentially, while he was at said mandatory counseling appointment, he lost his shit, wrestled the gun away from his escort (yeah, homeboy required an armed escort to the clinic) and shot the hell outta every damn body in the place. Sigh.

Oh and the main reason he was so stressed out? According to his father, “he had fallen in debt paying his $1,500-a-month mortgage… and he thought they were trying to push him out of the service.”

Seriously? You’re gonna kill five innocent people who are just minding their business because of a mortgage payment that costs less than most people’s rent in NYC? No sir, there’s got to be a better way…

Uncle Sam please come get your psycho nephew.

he’s not the boss of me…

By Mitzi on May 12, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay Rick Ross, first you’re outted as a fake drug lord and now you’ve been caught wearing the frugazzy Louis Vuitton sunglasses on the cover of XXL?? I am D-O-N-E.

Um Officer Ricky, I’m gonna need you to go sit down somewhere and be quiet.

Cause what you know about Louis Vuitton sending XXL magazine the xtra, xtra nasty letter about their recent cover? It’s so unbelievable, I have to post the notice/ pinktoe pimp slap:

Dear Editor:

We were dismayed to see the cover of the May 2009 issue of XXL Magazine, which features a photo of Rick Ross wearing a pair of sunglasses prominently featuring counterfeit Louis Vuitton trademarks. Because the photo has generated considerable confusion among your readers and Louis Vuitton customers among others, we feel it is important to clarify several points.

The first is that the sunglasses Mr. Ross is wearing were not made by Louis Vuitton, and in fact, are counterfeit. Louis Vuitton did not grant permission to Mr. Ross or to whoever did make the sunglasses to use our trademarks. The second is that no affiliation, sponsorship or association exists between Rick Ross or XXL and Louis Vuitton. The third is that counterfeiting is illegal.

Thank you for giving us the opportunity to correct the confusion.

Sincerely,

Michael D. Pantalony, Esq.
Louis Vuitton Malletier

Mmm-hmm, Jesus be the whiteboys that STAY lawyered up.

But seriously? What kinda shitshow are they running over there? Never in my nine years of journalism have I heard of someone wearing bootleg name brands on a freaking COVER. I mean sure, you can try and sneak it in a video but on a magazine cover? One that’s gonna sit on a newsstand for 5 weeks? And worse, people can take with them into the store? (Cause you know that’s how they got caught, right? Pookie and all his boys bumrushed their local LV store with cover in hand talkin’ bout, “We want dis right ‘ere.”

And as further proof XXL’s situation is 1-800-over, the mag’s website won’t allow folks to leave comments about or ping the post. DAYUM.

Unless… and you know this is just my conspiracy mind at work here but bear with me… What if the editors put him on the cover with the Canal Street special on purpose??? Uh-huh, yeah. You know, as a subliminal way of calling him a fraud?? Almost to say, if this fat fool really knew anything about the LV lines, he’d have known that he wasn’t rocking the real stuff??

No? Not so much? What you say? I’m over thinking it? Oh well, can’t say I ain’t try to help our folks out… NEXT.

i’ll bet she killed JR…

By Mitzi on May 5, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, stressed the hell out, too old for the road, work it white girl

In yet addition of ‘White Women Are SO NOT Handling the Recession Well’- Whatchu know about old school Dallas star, Victoria Principal a.k.a Bobby’s wife Pam Ewing pulling a damn gun on her maid because wait on it… Maribel was taking too long to walk the dog!!

What in the crazy ass-demanding-impatient-pinktoe hell??

It seems the poor domestic engineer took the spoiled Shih-Tzu out for a walk and that little bad ass just wouldn’t drop her load. By the time the two finally returned to the ranch, ole girl was wildin’ out. On sight, Victoria pulled a gun out and ordered Maribel to get the hell off the damn property ‘fore she pumped that ass full of lead. (Okay, maybe she say it exactly like that, but you get the idea).

Humph, humph, humph, I tell ya… Jesus be the melanin that provides coping skills.

Mind you, Pam is currently training to become a civilian astronaut on Richard Branson’s commercial space flight venture, Virgin Galactic. Just so we’re all clear- this woman can’t handle the everyday pressure of her maid taking five minutes too long with the pooch but she wants to head out into space??

I swear ‘fore God I couldn’t make this mess up if I wanted to!!

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