pocket full of dirty tissue | Mitzi Moments

you may have been a moon but to me she’s the star…

By Mitzi on August 4, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

Yo, what ever happened to Kelly Price? I was listening to the the radio yesterday afternoon and the remix to ‘Friend of Mine‘, that song she recorded with Mr. Big and the ‘R’ came on. I was like damn… that big girl could BLOW! And not for nothing, how hilarious was Ron Isley with the nonstop call and response throughout the song?

My God, I miss good music.

money makes all the difference…

By Mitzi on August 4, 2009 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

I’m so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.

I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom’s house.

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders. Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man ‘O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: ‘Primetime: Outsiders’ which airs on August 25th.

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.

one call I won’t accept…

By Mitzi on July 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

When I first read about Rodell Vereen, the South Carolina man that was arrested for having sex with the same horse for the SECOND time (um yeah, you read that right. He actually did it once before but the cops weren’t able to clearly identify him on the stable’s surveillance tape until now), my initial response was to vomit in my mouth. I mean the mental image on that was just too much for my nerves this early in the day…

But then, and feel free to call me crazy, I started to feel bad for homeboy… Mmm-hmm, yeah, I admit it. I actually felt bad for the greasy-looking sexual deviant.

Why? Well, it could be that I’m PMSing and my hormones are all outta wack. Still, call it a hunch but something tells me that he probably isn’t the brightest or wealthiest individual (otherwise, he’d have his own private stable of horse to bonk, no?). So he’s gonna have to reach out to some damn body to bail him out the clinker, right? And the only person you could conceivable call at a time like that would be the poor woman that gave birth to you. And can you EVEN imagine how that conversation went??

“Um yeah, Mommma? Hi. So listen, what had happened was… these folks done caught me getting it in with the neighbor’s filly. And now, well, I’m locked up. Mm-hmm, yes ma’am, as in having sex with the horse. No, no, nothing’s wrong with your hearing. You heard me correctly. S-E-X. But I swear, I she wanted it too… (insert sound of woman wailing and sudden dial tone) Hello? Hello?”

Sigh, poor thang. Let the prayer circle commence.

the real king of new york…

By Mitzi on July 29, 2009 in end of days, i die, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, that sense of entitlement

Wait a minute, why is Mayor Bloomberg so freakin’ GANGSTA??

According to this morning’s NYT, since Bloomberg Administration has not been able to curtail or reduce the problem of overcrowding in the city shelters over the past two terms they’ve now resorted to KICKING non-native homeless families up out of the city. Yes sir… On some real live, ‘No. Actually, you can’t make it here. So please proceed to carry your ass the hell on back to wherever you came from.’

Okay well maybe they’re not saying it like exactly that… But the good Mayor is funding a voucher program that “offers” to send entire homeless families anywhere outside of New York City a relative is willing to take them in. Mmm-hmmm…

And apparently there is no limit on how far these displaced families can go. To date, one-way tickets have been purchased to 24 states and 5 continents including: Paris, Johannesburg, Orlando, San Juan and the list goes on.

But my favorite part? They wanna act like they care about the well being of the families and that this not about getting the number of homeless down so that he can have a justifiable reason for seeking a third term. talking ’bout it’s all voluntary and that “once a family leaves New York, homeless service officials follow up with a phone call to make sure they arrive safely, then make a few more calls over the next two to three weeks.” Um, somebody please feel free to insert the hard side-eye cause I. Can’t. Take. It.

All I’m saying is… if it saves me tax dollars, I’m for damn sure not mad. But I see you Mike. I see you.

carry your own weight…

By Mitzi on July 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay see now…

I’m just as worried as the next American about the sky-rocketing costs of medical care. Shoot, truth be told, probably a little more so considering I got the nerve to be a self-employed liver transplant recipient and whatnot. HOWSOMEVER, what we’re NOT gonna do is blame fat people for all of our problems in the 23.5 hour.

Uh-uh, all these recent recent reports about obesity-related health issues costing the US $147 billion dollars a year? No ma’am, I will not co-sign…

Why? Cause real talk? We’re all responsible. Those of who watched bedridden people get lifted out of homes with a crane and the lil’ Maury kids roll themselves on and off the stage every week like it wasn’t a big deal are just as guilty as the individuals who allowed themselves to become overweight b/c of sheer laziness and then developed health issues (as opposed to a medical condition being the REASON they were overweight to begin with). Yeah, I said it.

Our country didn’t JUST become the land of the steroid-infused chickens, triple Whoppers and Diet Cokes. We’ve been overindulging for YEARS!! So don’t get mad now that the babies you raised on Twinkies, packaged sandwich meats and watching TV instead of going outside to run around don’t have the slightest clue how to drop those extra HUNDRED or so pounds.

Jesus be the government that put half as much energy into making sure folks have just as much access to affordable healthy foods/ information on how to live better/ gym memberships as we do a $1 menus/frozen dinners/ happy hours at the local bar.

Maybe then, things might truly be a whole lot different.

triple whopper and diet coke, please

By Mitzi on July 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, so the New York Times is reporting that Manhattan is the thinnest county in New York State. Apparently the average across the state is 60% and we’re at an impressive 42% low.

Can’t say I’m uber surprised with all the models, artists, Euro-trash, Stepford wives and beautiful Chelsea boys fa-la-laing all over the damn place. But what is interesting is how honest the folks they interviewed about being skinny were about how they felt about the socioeconomic implications of being overweight.

“My mom says, ‘The smaller the dress size, the larger the apartment,'” said one Upper Eastsider.

Well damn, tell ‘em how you really feel ma. Right?

Mind you, although I thought some of these chicks were doing way too much for me to co-sign (so what you’re saying is, you’re 5-foot-8, 119lbs and you’re not tossing your cookies after every meal? Really?). I gotta admit, I definitely identified with one of the interviewees- Simon Doonan, 56, the creative director of Barney’s. Good ole Simon was the only person honest enough to attribute the borough’s obsession with weight to straight up, simple and plain, FEAR.

“Or closets are filled with all these expensive clothes that are like swords of Damocles, because we may not fit into them anymore.” Preach.

Cause the good Lord knows, my closet may only be filled with H&M, random sample sale finds and a couple of cute pieces from the GAP (gotta get the shout out in) but I damn sure can’t afford to replace nam stitch of it right about now.

SO until the majority of the styles at Target start to cater to the short and curvy (and please believe I check in on a regular basis), I too will be unabashedly dragging my butt to the stinky NYSC and trying to make the magic happen.

actually, a king’s son is a prince….

By Mitzi on July 22, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I must say, yesterday was a lot. First, waking up to the sound of pouring rain and then realizing that my cable/ internet wasn’t working definitely blew me. But in the grand scheme of things, it could’ve always been worse.

Shoot, I could’ve been famed African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. who got arrested for disorderly conduct after forcing open the jammed front door of the house he LIVES in. Mmm-hmm…

All I can say is thank god today is another day. The sun is shining, the Yankees are tied for 1st place in the Division and apparently Kelis finally delivered her son with Nas. Yes, let the choir sing. ‘Cause I am beyond tired of hearing about those angry twits from the web and reading about the messy divorce proceeding… yeah, I said it.

Not for nothing, if Kesha Nichols can get over being dumped via text message by lame ass, e-thug Richard Jefferson less than a week before their wedding, then my god- its time to pull up your big girl panties and move on the hell on.

Real talk? You skimmed through his first baby mama’s book just like the rest of us… You knew who you married. You rocked your matching satin ‘NIGGER’ jacket with pride. Spare us all the indignant outrage, ridiculous $20,000 a month child support demands and just carry your ass back to the studio.

me,myself and i…

By Mitzi on July 6, 2009 in cuteness kills, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So after debating back and forth for some time, a good friend of mine (who shall forever remain nameless) got this AMAZING but EXTREME haircut. Mind you, I’m not saying she is the only person in the whole world with the particular style but it’s def the first in her immediate circle of friends. Which is always kinda hot, right?

Well don’t you know, not even a week and a half later one of her homegirls called her FROM the chair in the local beauty salon asking/telling her that she wanted the exact same hairstyle too (cause at the point that you’re i the chair, you’re so not asking). And wait on it… could my friend explain to her stylist how the cut was done??

Err-um, what in the-hand-rocks-the cradle-hell?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, I hear folks on the whole “imitation is the sincerest form of flattery” party line. BUT lemme tell you something… forreal, foreal? When it comes to MOST women (cause there are always the A-list celeb exceptions) that mantra does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT apply to three things: hair, handbag or shoes. Straight. Up.

And don’t try me on it. We are too grown. I do not want to be surrounded by a circle of clones. Go get your own style, dammit. I can barely cobble mine together without you encroaching on my ish!

Survey says, LAME.

making technology work for you…

By Mitzi on June 25, 2009 in it ain't easy, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue

Dang! The po-po ain’t catching no breaks this week…

Apparently, NYPD Detective Christopher Perino thought he was slick and denied threatening a suspect Erik Crespo in court. Well don’t you know the tech savy teen taped the entire “conversation” that included threats to the then 17 year-old’s mother and sister on a tiny MP3 player he had in his pocket?

So much for doing a thorough job of frisking the suspect, huh?

Therefore, when the trifling Detective got on the stand talking about he never interrogated Crespo let alone threatened him, the defense attorney basically whipped out the 62-page transcript of the taped convo and cold busted his ass. Mmm-hmm, just like that.

In addition to being played to the left in front of a courtroom full of people, the Detective was immediately charged with perjury and arrested. He is suspended without pay, will probably lose his pension and could now go to jail his DAMN self.

You know…. I wanna say I feel bad for the former Detective, especially since it turns out the kid is truly guilty of the crime they arrested him for (he was caught on tape shooting someone).

BUT at the end of the day, I’m not really for all that threatening of folks mothers and sisters… No sir, not at all.

please revist parenting 101…

By Mitzi on June 23, 2009 in cuteness kills, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it's in the genes, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

Err-umm, I know most parents stop whooping their kids when they get old enough to comprehend but real talk? Some of these hard headed mo-fo’s need to be beat all the way up until they turn 21 years-old. And preferably with a large, thick, you-gonna-remember-this-one-right-here leather belt like the one my Dad used on my lil’ ass back in the day… Uh-huh, yeah, I said it.

‘Cause if more teenagers understood that they could still catch a bad one from their parents, we damn sure wouldn’t have bored children enlisting to become assassins in Mexican drug cartels, playing themselves out in ridiculous reality shows like NYC Prep or walking into tattoo parlors talking about, “hi. I want you to tat up my body to the point where the only place I’ll ever be able to work is a circus.”

Because in what can only be attributed to a lack of fear of the parental beat down, 18 year-old Kimberley Vlaeminck decided to have 56 freaking stars etched into the side of her FACE. And to no one’s surprise but her own, her father completely lost his shit when that fast ass got home.

So naturally, like all immature, adolescents under pressure Ms. Kimberley went straight into denial mode.

Don’t you know, this silly child had the nerve to insist that she’d “only asked for three stars, feel asleep in the chair and woke up with a galaxy on her face.” You ONLY asked for three stars on your FACE??? Feel free to insert the blank stare with 2 blinks.

But wait on it… Her parents actually believed that bullshit!

I mean to say, not only did they believe it but they proceeded to hire a lawyer and press charges against the tattoo artist/ parlour. As if any sober person in their right mind could sleep through 56 stars being inked on his/her face… I. can’t.

Needless to say, not even a week later homegirl got caught on a hidden camera admitting that she knew all along what the tattoo artist was going to do. So she’s had to issue an apology, retract her statement, lost the almost $18,000 her parents put into making the claim/ hiring a lawyer, et al.

So ummm, I’m just going to go out on a limb and say, this right here. This is what happens when “time outs” go horribly wrong. No offense

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