Mitzi Moments

Category: i’m not ready to be a grandmother

viagra is the devil…

By on March 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, honorary white woman, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out


Hold up, wait a minute! What you know about two old ass women coming to blows in the middle of the street over some 72-year-old piece a man?!?!?!

According to the police report filed by 78-year-old (yes, as in 7-8) Edith Mitchell: she was chillin’ in a car with her boyfriend of two years when some unnamed 73-year-old woman rolled up popping junk about that being her man and started punching poor Edith in the head!!! Mm-hmm, straight thumped her out.

Now you know, Edith ain’t get to be 78-years-old by mistake so she carried her ass in the crib, grabbed her shotgun and came out guns a-blazing on some old school western, let’s get it poppin’ bee-yatch type nonsense…

Unfortunately, the side chick was a little quicker on her feet than good ‘ole Edith. Apparently she snatched the shotgun from Edith and fired a shot. (Damn, just like that.) Thankfully, she missed Big E and no one else was fatally injured. Um, feel free to pick your face off the floor right now.

Okay seriously? There are sosososo many things wrong with this situation, I don’t even know where to begin. Forget the fact that there were two geriatric females slap boxing in the street. Lemme ask you this, where the hell was the alledged boyfriend when all this craziness was happening?? What, was he too old to get involved? And how in the world do you explain to your kids and GRANDkids what had happened to you? Uh-uh, I can’t.

Jesus come get your bey-bey kids…

off to see the little mermaid…

By on March 11, 2009 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, miracle on 169th street, Mitzi- all day every day

So after much ado, Shayla and Sklylar Ann Marie (a.k.a Sam) arrived for Sam’s first ‘Big Girl’ trip to New York. YIPPIE!!! I am thrilled beyond belief to have the BFF around.

But for the record, as much as I love, love, love me some Sam; I am sososo clear that everybody (specifically yours truly) ain’t able. Who knew so many questions can be asked in the span on of day? Damn that, one minute? Sam’s energy level is unbelieveable. She’s like a non-stop Energizer bunny- going, going, and still going. For the record, hell hath no fury like a four year-old without her midday nap.

What is most amazing to me is how calm Shayla is about everything. Oh, you fell down? No problem, just get up. Oh, you want to be carried up and down steps? Up you go. Oh, you want to scream/ whisper the same secret 30 times in my ear? Feel free. I promise you she was calmer than a Jedi Master- unforreal.

And to think that crazy woman has 14 children and 0 help??? Sheeeit. Good luck.

more slaps and less time-outs…

By on January 6, 2009 in i die, i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it's in the genes, made for the maury show

Will somebody puh-lease explain to me what in the unholy-unsupervised-destined for jail-BeBe’s kids hell is going on in this world?

According to the AP, a four-year old boy in southern Ohio purposely shot his baby-sitter. Yup you read that correctly. But wait on it… the pre-schooler didn’t do it because the sitter was, oh I don’t know, physically/ sexually abusing him or something horrible like that. No, that would’ve been too much like right. This fool shot his sitter because the 18 year-old accidentally stepped on his foot!!! WTF!?!?!?!?
WHO THE HELL IS THIS KID??? Damn Scarface reincarnated? Lil’ dude isn’t even in kindergarten. He probably doesn’t even know his ABC’s or how to count past the number 20… And yet this pint-sized psychopath is popping off at the age of FOUR?? Uh-uh.

If you ask me, his parents need to be the first ones locked up under the jail from now until forever. Mmm-hmmm.
‘Cause why was there a loaded gun laying around in the crib where a four year-old can reach it? And since it’s obviously one of those households where the TV not the adults educate the children-what in the world kind of violent ass shows and video games did they expose him to?
Oh and as for that little mo-fu? His ass needs Jesus.
Damn a juvenile hall. He needs to be locked up in a monastery far, far away with jedi-master monks that can read his mind. And will KARATE CHOP THAT ASS every time he even dreams about doing something out-of-pocket.
It’s officially the end of days. Someone please pull the little red wagon around, I’m tagging out.

the babies are getting big…

By on December 15, 2008 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother, it's in the genes

Okay, I had to take a sec to give my little cousin Roy (the cute one with the big ears in the top row, center) a quick shout. He was officially named to the 2008 FIRST Team All-FCIAC East Football team in CT. Woo Hoo!!!! I am so proud of him!

OMG, I still remember when he was little enough for me to snatch that badass up with one hand and beat his butt with the other. Now look… he’s bench pressing 265lbs and trying to decide what college he wants to play for.

Uh-uh, I can’t. Vianet, please go get your nephew.

tick, tock, tick, tock…

By on September 17, 2008 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother

Every once in a while my hormones do this funny thing where they take over mind and make me think that among other things (like chocolate, sex, chocolate), I want to have a baby. Mind you, this is definately on my to-do list just not before I finish establishing my career, traveling the world oh and yeah, meeting Mr. Right. But I gotta admit, when those hormones start to act up; every ex-boyfriend in the phone book suddenly starts to seem like “the one who got away.” So to avoid any unnecessary, “I just wanted to see how you’re doing” phone calls that I’d immediately regret as soon as I pressed talk; I decided to spend time with my godson JJ. And can I just tell you what kind of birth control an above average intelligent, hyper three-year old boy is?

In a matter of five hours, John Aiden ran me RAGGED. Mind you, it’s not like I was alone, his mom was there with me the whole time. And yet, I still felt so very alone. The extra loud tone of voice (apparently 3 year-olds can’t distinguish between their inside and outside voices as yet), the non-stop questions (why, why, why?), and the constant RUNNING (every time I let go his hand to answer my phone, he took off). By the time I FINALLY dropped his little butt off, I needed a time out and some serious sedatives.
All I can say is- MISSON ACCOMPLISHED.

we made it…

By on June 20, 2008 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother

Today is officially the first day of summer! Can I get a THANK YOU LORD from the choir? Even if the temperature still doesn’t reflect it- no, 75 degrees is not hot- I am thrilled beyond words. According to my horoscope, things are supossed to be looking up for at least the next week. I’m hoping that will include at least a fifteen to twenty degree rise in the temperature. That way, I can a)show off the results of all this freaking excercising I’ve been doing all winter and b) justify all the money I’ve spent on cute summer dresses. Cause lord knows, we love to blow the budget ona cute dress.

Yesterday morning, I went to my little cousins’s graduation from middle school. Words cannot express how disorienting the experience was to me. Last time I checked, these little boys were wearing diapers and getting their butts beat on a regular basis. Now they’re wearing suits and talking about ‘oh that’s my ex-girlfriend’. Your ex-girlfriend? It was just too much. I am so not mentally prepared to have kids and let them grow up… ever.

time for mighty to go home…

By on February 18, 2008 in i'm not ready to be a grandmother

As you can see, a picture speaks a thousand words but I have to say, I’m going to miss the little noisemaker. Probably not as much as my slutty dog, Drama but still….
Once I got past the non-stop barking/ peeing/ all round bad behavior, Mighty was actually not that bad of a small dog to have around. And I have to say, he definately held his own against my neighbor’s pitbull. Who knew?

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