Mitzi Moments

Author: Mitzi

cuteness kills…

By on March 13, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

So in yet another valiant crusade in the constant battle against my cellulite, my bright-butt decided to go join a 6.30am bootcamp style workout class. Why God, why?

Aside from the fact that I have to wake up at 5.30 am four days a week (do you even know what 5.30am looks like? Didn’t think so.); I am so sore and tired there are no words to express how I feel. Let me put it in perspective- I hurt like a tractor-trailer hit me, ran over my body and then backed up on top for good measure. Watching me creep around my apartment trying to move as few body parts as possible-moaning every step of the way-is nothing short of tragic. I’d laugh to keep from crying but it hurts too much.
Quite frankly, the only things that keep me going (besides the aspirin I’ve been poppin’ like green M&Ms) are 1) I know this program works. It’s actually my third time ‘enlisting’ and the results are UNDENIALABLE and 2) the super cute bikini I bought at the end of last season. If my wobbly bootie can’t fit into that miniscule piece of fabric come Memorial Day weekend, I’m going to be one sad black girl. You see the vision?

silda ain’t the only one runnin’ to the clinic…

By on March 12, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

With the whole country fixated on Elliot Spitzer’s inevitable ho scandal train wreck, it was easy to almost overlook the latest disheartening medical revelation announced on Reuters.com yesterday: A Quarter of U.S. Teen Girls Have An STD.

With the highest rate among Blacks (big surprise there-not), turns out that according to the Center for Disease Control, “An estimated 3.2 million U.S. girls ages 14 and 19 — about 26 percent of that age group — have a sexually transmitted infection such as the human papillomavirus or HPV, chlamydia, genital herpes or trichomoniasis.”
14 years old!?!?!? Um is it now safe to say that the whole “teach abstinence” movement is a crock of shit? I’m just saying.
Perhaps the only thing halfway amusing about the article was the fact that they opted to use white teenagers in the lead photo. Way to be PC.

http://uk.reuters.com/article/healthNews/idUKN1157399920080311?feedType=nl&feedName=ukmorningdigest

PS, check out the how the coverage in the NYT emphasizes the African American teen issue v. Reuters (a British company) whose focus was on the girls as a single group.
God bless America!

guess who’s having the best week ever….

By on March 12, 2008 in made for the maury show

Can the church get an amen? The State of New York is about to swear in it’s first African American Governor ever thanks to Elliot ‘I-like-it-unprotected’ Spitzer’s high-priced booty calls. AND he’s legally blind?!? Right about now, racists all over Howard Beach are crying into their canolis!

But on a serious tip? Am I the only one who thinks Elliot Spitzer’s resignation is a waste? An amazing political career destroyed, and for what? Just ’cause the man likes to have unprotected sex… with strangers… and pay them for it? SO? At least he paid ‘Kristen’ well- according to AOL news, his standing account with the escort service totaled somewhere around $80,000. Might I remind you, all Ms. Monica got was a dry cleaning bill.
As for the whole ‘prostitution-is-wrong’ backchat, as far as I’m concerned, it’s not my business who wants to pay for sex. As long as it’s not with an underaged child, some poor Indonesian sex slave or my own man doing it; the phrase that pays is: MIND YA BUSINESS.
Besides, how much you want to wager almost all the high-and-mighty folks so eagerly calling for Big E’s resignation have had an extramarital affair, frequented the champagne room in a stripclub or are clients their damn selves?

my buttbone hates snowboarding…

By on March 10, 2008 in keep hope alive

But we absolutely adore Bridget and Karmen (respectively), my two new pinktoe lesbian friends that I picked up on my trip to Tahoe. Aren’t they the cutest couple?
These two were non-stop hilarity the entire four days. Allegedly, they were out in Tahoe filming an episode for their new online show on LOGO.com. But if what they were doing is work, I need to switch my gender preference immediately. And yes, I made several guest appearances in hopes of increasing my dating market share- JUST KIDDING!!!
But really, I did get into nothing but straight tomfoolery with these two as we valiantly attempted and failed miserably to learn how to snowboard at Mt, Rose(at least Karmen and I failed. Bridget that bee-yatch managed to leave us behind flat on our butts in the snow). I personally blame it on our bootleg instructor Aaron who totally pushed poor Karmen down the hill backwards when he got distracted by a cute girl passing by. She almost died-swear to god
Thankfully, we made up for our pathetic showing on the slopes with a bomb day of skiing at Northstar (which a ka-billion times better slopes than Mt. Rose) and riding the snowmobiles. Kinda of a cross between riding a horse and a motorcross, it’s officially my new favorite way of getting around in the snow (even if the helmet smushed my hair into a mushroom). For the record, anytime 40 miles an hour feels like 90mph, I’m pleased. Sigh. The cold is good.

home sweet home….

By on March 10, 2008 in tapped out

Don’t you hate it when things become predictable? I mean seriously, I’m away for four days- OF COURSE there’s going to be a major water leak in my kitchen while I’m gone (refer to earlier post). Why wouldn’t there be?
So like clockwork, I call my building super first thing Monday morning to come and replaster the now sagging ceiling. Mind you, I make it my business to point out where my light fixture has obviously started to come off of the ceiling from the water damage. Note the word, started. As in if you do something now, it might be prevented.
Well as you can see from the picture, I speak another language. I mean, I must. Because not even fifteen minutes after that slow-eye, no repair skill having, midget of a man walked out my door the damn light fell down!!!
But wait on it- cause there’s always more…
When the light fell, rat FECES tumbled out from the ceiling and all over my floor. What in the third-world hell? Perhaps I should just be thankful a mice didn’t fall down too, huh?
Anybody got a good realtor?

layovers suck…

By on March 5, 2008 in made for the maury show

Overcast skies delayed my flight out of LaGuardia this morning, and I missed my connection flight by ten freaking minutes! Now I’m stuck in Denver International Airport freezing my behind off for the next three hours!!! As I wonder why the a/c is blasting when it’s barely 20 degrees outside, a white girl walks by wearing flip-flops and all my questions are answered- wallrus skin.

But my hyperthermia is nothing compared to the crazy Senator in Arizona who is trying to make it legal to carry concealed weapons on college campuses. Huh?
According to the New York Times, in response to recent campus shootings “State Senator Karen S. Johnson, has sponsored a bill, which the Senate Judiciary Committee approved last week, that would allow people with a concealed weapons permit — limited to those 21 and older in Arizona — to carry their firearms at public colleges and universities.”
What is this the wild, wild west? The NRA kills me. Literally.
Read the rest of the madness here:

that guy with headband washes my hair…

By on March 4, 2008 in keep hope alive

As many of you know, it takes a lot for me to say a party was jamming on the ones. But my hairdresser Edris THREW DOWN last night at her five-year anniversary party!! (Quietly, the reason I’m posting this late is because I spent the entire day trying to recover from last night.)

When I tell you that I was greeted at the door by a seven foot drag queen whose job it was to deign me officially a fierce bitch before granting access… It was like THAT.
The DJ played all the 80’s classics from Prince to Madonna to Michael to the Eurythmics, everyone was dressed up in eighties attire- fluorescent spandex, dolphin shorts, transvestites and lace gloves galore; breakdancers; a strobe light; celebrity impersonators; open bar and good food. I had so much fun!!!
Why can’t there be good parties every Monday night? Sigh.

the new face of gangbanging…

By on March 4, 2008 in made for the maury show

I have no clue how i missed this story!!! Apparently this Sunday, this white woman, Margaret Seltzer a.k.a Margaret B. Jones just got exposed James Frye style for trying to publish a memoir depicting herself as a half-white, half-Native American girl growing up in South-Central Los Angeles as a foster child among gang-bangers, running drugs for the Bloods.

Come to find out, the WHOLE thing is a freaking lie.
According to the New York Times, this homegirl is “all white and grew up in the well-to-do Sherman Oaks section of Los Angeles, in the San Fernando Valley, with her biological family. She graduated from the Campbell Hall School, a private Episcopal day school in the North Hollywood neighborhood. She has never lived with a foster family, nor did she run drugs for any gang members. “
Damn Maggie…
Ironically, before being exposed as a fraud, her book, ‘Love and Consequences’ was receiving resounding critical acclaimand on its way to the top of the bestseller list!! Over the three years she worked on the book, Miss Thang was covered in the New York Tmes at least TWICE (um, not to complain but can I even get an honorable mention in that mug?). In her most recent interview (last week) she said,”One of the first things I did once I started making drug money was to buy a burial plot.”
I am ON THE FLOOR.
Guess how she got caught? Wait on it… Her sister saw an article featuring good ole Maggie in the House & Homes section of the New York Times and RATTED her out. Her own sister?
Lord HAF Mercy!!!
But what kills me is that even after getting caught, she’s still trying to justify her actions by insisting that she was simply trying to speak for those people that don’t have a voice. Talking about, “she had met some gang members during a short stint she said she spent at “Grant” high school “in the Valley.”
Uh, survey says- NO.
Read this mess for yourself:

march of the crackheads…

By on March 3, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

So according to CNN, the first wave of crack convicts eligible for reduced sentences under the new retroactive sentencing reform were released today: http://www.cnn.com/2008/US/03/03/crack.release/index.html?eref=rss_latest

Interesting. I’ll bet wherever he is, Bobby Brown is resting a little easier tonight…
I just have one question, why did CNN decide to wrap up the article with the quote from the wife of a convicted 60-year amputee? Talking about, “He wants to come back to the community. And he also wants to help the community. He plans on doing some paralegal work when he gets out.”
I’m tapped out…

cuteness kills…

By on March 3, 2008 in it's not a game out there

So I went up to Woodstock this past weekend to see my girl Joan perform in the Vagina Monologues. I had a great time. She was totally amazing, the show was really good, and I didn’t even ruin my riding boots in the five inches of snow that fell during the performance. Afterwards we had an old school sleepover where we ate bad food (Burger King was the poison of choice), stayed up as late talking about boys and then woke up to a bright sunny Saturday. I couldn’t ask for more. That is until I boarded the bus to head back down to the city and realized somewhere along the line I’d misplaced my earmuffs. And just that quick, I went from shiny happy people to damn near suicidal.

Why? Because those were my only pair of earmuffs left for this season (yes, I already lost a pair a couple of months back). And if you take one look at my picture, its pretty safe to say that there’s no hat in the entire world that’s fitting over that head of hair. What in the world was I going to do for the next three months without something to cover my ears? As visions of self-imprisonment floated through my head, I remembered that I’m going skiing in Tahoe on Wednesday!! At that point, I was literally in tears.

As soon as the bus pulled into the Port Authority, I bolted to Macys on 34th Street (a.k.a Dante’s Inferno on a Sat afternoon). Praying the whole way- dear God, it’s me Mitzi. I know its March 1st but puh-LEASE let there still be earmuffs available. PUH-lease! Apparently God was on a cigarette break, because when I got to Macys, the section formerly dedicated to hats, gloves scarves and most importantly, earmuffs is now converted to the sunglasses nook. All i could think was, there was a freaking snowstorm last night!!! Is anybody besides Diddy a.k.a Leader of the ‘I Wear My Sunglasses At Night’ movement ready for sunglasses yet?

Certain that a nervous breakdown was near, I called my girl Rhea who like any good pregnant lady was home doing her hair on a Sat afternoon. And she suggested I try Paragon sports in Union Square. Thank god for my friends.

Not only did Paragon have earmuffs, they were having a snow sale so almost everything skiing related was discounted. HAAA-LELUJAH, HAAA-LELUJAH, halelujah, halelujah!!!

Have you ever been so relieved to find something that you started crying when the sales person shows you that the store has them in stock? Well that was me. I swear the poor salesgirl must of thought I was a psycho the way I started blubbering my thanks. Sigh. Yes, I am so many things… but none of them cold.

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