Mitzi Moments

Author: Mitzi

r.i.p. issac hayes…

By on August 11, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Okay, I read an article this morning on AOL detailing how advocate groups for the disabled called for a national boycott of the new movie, “Tropic Thunder,” citing its negative portrayal of people with intellectual disabilities. Um for real?

Do people nothing better to do with their time than call for protests and rallies??? Shouldn’t them be WORKING? Last time I checked, we were in a recession. They need to put some of that misdirected energy into some revenue producing venture. Not going hard against Ben Stillers’s’ writers for a tasteless movie that all of 15 pinktoe teenagers are going to see.

Honestly, folks have been cracking ignorant jokes about people’s intellect since the very first “Lil’ Lisa’s Mama is a One-Legged Retard” snap back on the kindergarten playground! Need I remember you of Keenan Wayan’s absolutely pitch perfect superhero, Handiman??? All this damn PC crap kills me. I know this sounds terrible, but if you’re so concerned about how the disabled are gonna feel when they figure out what the joke means. Why don’t YOU stop explaining it to them???? I’m just saying.

Here’s the article:

I feel like I lost an obnoxious uncle…

By on August 11, 2008 in it's not a game out there

I can’t believe Bernie Mac is dead. Like seriously, he was only 50 years old!! I don’t want to put my Elsa’s business out there like that but seeing his age made my nerves bad enough to call her constantly complaining of old age behind IMMEDIATELY.

To be frank, I still don’t understand how someone with that much access to good healthcare dies of pnuemonia. It’s like, go to the damn doctor negro! What is the problem? Can I tell you, when I’m rich and famous my behind is gonna be at the doctor for every damn thing! I’m taking if big toe starts to itch, I’m calling a professional toe expert to take a look.
This is such a tremendous loss for comedy. Not just Black comedy… B.Mac was hilarious all across the board. Do you remember the scene in FRIDAY when the midget chases him out of the house and throws a brick in his car window? Oh god, and what about the crazy character he played in LIFE? On the real, how accessible did he make OCEAN’S ELEVEN for the hood? Wasn’t THE BERNIE MAC SHOW was the most realistic look at an African American family EVER. And just forget about his stand-up. KINGS OF COMEDY. Period.

so this is what it’s come to…

By on August 6, 2008 in tapped out

You know how you have those friends that you only talk to about two times a year? You’re not any less their friend for the lack of communication cause you just kinda always know they’re okay? But if they do reach out, you know it’s important? Well I received a very distressed email from one of my very good homegirls that falls in this category. The email read:

“Why they have to make her look like a white woman! I’m so pissed at this. She is barely recognizable. Come on. This is why I constantly tell my daughter and all her friends how beautiful they are EVERY CHANCE I GET!! When are people (Black & White) gonna stop standing for artificial nonsense like this. Beyonce should be ASHAMED of her damn self. I will no long support her endeavors if this is how she choices to portray herself. I’m gonna end my rant now because I’m getting madder!”
Okay before I say another word, you really need to understand is that my girl is like the ultimate Queen B fan. So for it to come to this… her little heart must be breaking. And to admit it publicly? Well lets just say it’s time to convene the prayer circles. But you know what? She sure is dead right. This photo is just that crazy.
I mean no, Beyonce is not necessarily the same complexion as her half-sister Kelly (yeah, I said it) but shit, she surely ain’t the same complexion as Angelina Jolie!! What in the world??? And I’m sorry but there’s nothing that can convince me except the contract papaers themselves, that she doesn’t have right of review on these shots. Seriously? this is what you’re okay with Mrs. Carter? Boo.

Damn Beyonce w/ with her color-corrected self and don’t forget to vote for my book!

every click counts…

By on August 5, 2008 in supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

I have super fantastic news!!!!!! My latest book, HOTLANTA has been nominated for an African American Literary Award for best children’s book!! WOO HOO!!!!! Go Mitzi, it’s ya birfday! Go Mitzi, get busy!! Go, Go, Go, GO!!! (Feel freel to insert mental image of me popping cheap champagne bottles, doing the running man while my co-author does one-handed cartwheels).

Needless to say, winning an award like this has the potential to be a VERY BIG DEAL!! So what we really, really need for you to do, is to log on, VOTE for our book and TELL someone that I don’t already know. Like right now. Seriously.
So stop reading and click:

get ‘em girl…

By on August 5, 2008 in keep hope alive

I really do mean to post everyday. How-some-ever, life has a funny way of getting in the way. go figure. But enough with the excuses, on to the good news. My mom’s sister, affectionately known as Tia Puchi is in town for 2 weeks. So I’ve been running around spending quality time with her. Which is hilarity at its best. In my humble opinion, my Tia is exactly what you would get if you crossed my little sister Melissa and myslef- an outgoing, sarcastic, hard-headed diva- who loves her dogs. For those that know that know both me and Melissa, I’ll let you be the judge of which attributes belong to whom. ;)

But enough of my favorite aunt and how much fun I’ve been having doing nothing worth talking about, can we please have a moment about double dutch? And how it is now going to be a competitve varsity sport in the NYC public highschools. Can we get an Amen? Cause if I jog past ONE MORE fifteen year old girl or guy with love handles and a gut, I’m gonna have to burn down the nearest McDonalds! All fun and jokes aside, aren’t your the teen years supossed to be when everything you have is tight, right and stands up all on its own? You can only blame the growth hormones so much before we have to admit that sitting on a stoop from the time they get out of school until they go into the apartment at night doesn’t exactly burn a lot of calories. Okay?

Read and celebrate:

i miss my cookies…

By on July 31, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Ok, so for the umpteenth time I’ve started up this workout/ better living regiment thingy of mine. This time around in addition to eating healthier, I’ve committed to jogging from my apartment on 169th Street to the gym on 145th and then doing weights/ ab work to battle the buddha belly. And while in theory, there’s this huge sense of accomplishment everytime I actually succeed at this feat, the reality is a lot less thrilling. To put it nicely, I feel like crap.

My body is all achy. My skin feels extra tight and my stoopid sports bra hurts my right shoulder like a bee-yatch. It’s gotten to the point I can barely walk the dog around the block. And lord have mercy, I’m so tired. It’s all I can do to stay awake surign the workday. And for those that’ve called around 1.30p, I’m prob not awake. But I think that worse part is that I’m cranky as I don’t know what. All this damn excercise does not make me half as happy as a a bag of Chips Ahoy Chocolate Chip Cookies.
Let’s keep it real- the ONLY thing stopping me from quitting is that I’m too damn cheap to buy a whole new wardrobe. Cuteness kills.

it’s never that hot…

By on July 31, 2008 in made for the maury show

We are offically living in the end of days…
So apparently there’s a chlorine resistant parasite that’s contaminating water parks and pools nationwide. It’s called cryptosporidium, aka crypto. It can make you sick for up to two weeks with nausea, vomiting, headaches, stomach cramps and diarrhea. But wait on it… the parasite lives in fecal matter. Which means the water is being contaminated by babies pooping in the pool, people not properly wiping their butts after taking a dump and kids with diarrhea getting into the water. EEEEEEWWWWWWWAAAA!!!!!!

Check out the tips that the CDC recommends to reduce contamination:

Tips for All Swimmers
1. Don’t swim when you have diarrhea.
2. Don’t swallow pool water.
3. Shower before swimming and wash your hands after using the toilet or changing diapers.
Tips for Parents
1. Take kids on bathroom breaks or check diapers often.
2. Change diapers in a bathroom and not poolside.
3. Wash children thoroughly, especially near the rear end, with soap and water before swimming.

I have always been a little squemish when I see a kid or worse a baby swimming in a pool. But this is like a straight, ‘what’s grosser than gross’ joke.
Read it for yourself:
http://news.aol.com/health/article/pools-and-water-parks-battle-parasite/109851?icid=200100397x1206841344x1200352618

so much for that bright idea…

By on July 29, 2008 in made for the maury show

One of my many dreams is to own a beautiful, spacious three bedroom condo on warm-weathered waterfront property. I’ve been reluctant to narrow it down to a specific city because I like the two front runners-Florida and Claifornia-almost equally. But after today’s earthquake…. Um not so much. 5.4 magnitude? No maam, you can keep that. I got enough crap to worry about…

Like the AIDS rate among African-Americans rivaling that of certain African COUNTRIES. What in the world?? According to a new report released today and reported on by CNN; “if black Americans made up their own country, it would rank above Ethiopia (420,000 to 1,300,000) and below Ivory Coast (750,000) in HIV population. Both Ethiopia and the Ivory Coast are among the 15 nations receiving funds from the President’s Emergency Plan For Aids Relief.” Are you serious?
The report goes on to highlight a 24 year-old woman who contracted AIDS at the age of 19. She said she contracted the virus the one time she had unprotected sex with her boyfriend. They were in a monogamous relationship. I. Can’t.

Please read the article for yourself and then go buy that economy pack of condoms. ‘Cause the way things are going, folks are really going to have to start doubling up:

i’m a worthless blogger…

By on July 28, 2008 in tapped out

I can’t believe it’s been damn near a week since the last post. And no, I don’t even have a good vacay to blame it on this time. Basically, I’ve been running around like a chicken without a head since last Thursday: Getting my apartment together (Yes, I mopped that damn kitchen), watching George Michael in concert (the world’s biggest coming-out-the-closet tour), shopping with Elsa (nothing better than a day at Target with your mom), kicking it with friends I haven’t seen in weeks (I missed my Sharae), spending money I don’t have (what recession?) and procrastinating on work that I should’ve been done (I will finish this godforsaken article on Robin Thicke before I pick my aunt up at the airport tomorrow).

Why is twenty-four hours never enough?

maybe i’ll eat in the bathroom…

By on July 23, 2008 in going to hell in a handbasket

Omigod, I hate housecleaning. It is seriously, the bain of my existence. Perhaps the only room in the apartment that I don’t mind cleaning is my bathroom. And that’s only because the upstairs neighbor’s illegal washing machine hook-up occasionally backs up their dirty laundry water in my tub. So just to be safe, I clean my tub at least every three days. (And it’s like, if I’m gonna do the tub; I might as well do the toilet, sink, mirror and floors. Right?)

Anyhoo, I removed everything from my kitchen OVER a week ago under the guise of mopping the floor. You know that floor still hasn’t been cleaned? Aargh. Two huge bags of dog food, a tall trash can, broom, mop and bucket are now cluttering up my entrace hallway. It’s crazy.
Normally, Drama sleeps by the front door during the day. I swear she’s been giving me nothing but side-eye ever since I put all the crap in her chill out area.
Can you imagine? Not only do I feel guilty for being lazy, I’m also getting attitude from my dog. I can’t…

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