Mitzi

i’ll take your half if you don’t want it…

By Mitzi on January 29, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement, work it white girl

Good lord, the pink toes never cease to amaze do they?

First they were shopping in secret and now that, surprise, surprise, this whole “recession thing” hasn’t gone away, they’ve formed an anonymous support group for the girlfriends of finance guys!! No really, I’m not even kidding. I swear I couldn’t make this up if I tried…

According to the NYTimes, the group of NYC women refer to themselves as Wall Street Widows and the name of their support group is Dating A Banker Anonymous. And in case you were wondering, there’s an open invitation to any woman who fits the following criteria: “if your monthly Bergdorf’s allowance has been halved and bottle service has all but disappeared from your life.” Seriously? Just so we’re clear, you’re complaining about the change in a lifestyle that you’ve become accustomed to BEFORE you even got married??? Oh my goodness, that is so gangster!

The members meet once or twice weekly for brunch or drinks at a bar or restaurant to commiserate on how the plunging stock market and depressed economy have turned their former type-A, cocky, super human, richass finance boyfriends into whimpering, needy, erratic BROKEASS nightmares. Talking about, they’re moody, up all hours of the night checking the Blackberry and wait on it- aren’t exactly performing in the bedrooms. YIKES.

Good luck Becky Sue…

Reason #1,234,567,890…

By Mitzi on January 29, 2009 in keep hope alive, team obama, using our powers for good

I hear you on the mixed race, but if you ask me, Obama ain’t nothing but Black.

When questioned about the noticeably more relaxed dress code in staff meetings (apparently there is a whole brew ha-ha about the President being photographed dong official work sans suit jacket), his chief-of-staff insists they’re not being intentionally lax but apparently the temperature in Oval Office is hot enough to “grow orchids in there.” Talking about, “He likes it warm.”

Now Barack, you know, them folks in the White House don’t know nothing ’bout that heat! All I can say is, Jesus be the heating bill after the first month of the new administration.

But it gets better… Turns our the Obamas running about five minutes late for all the events on the Inauguration Day was jsut a warm-up. Apparently, President Obama now shows up at the Oval Office shortly before 9 in the morning. For those who don’t understand what the big deal is.. that’d be almost two hours later than Dub-ya. Um-hmm, Barack better be readjusting the start of the workday…

But don’t let the haters get it twisted, the man also works well into the night- with aides reporting that he stays as late as 10p to review briefs for the next day unlike his early-to-bed, early-to-rise predecessor. So take that…

Not for nothing, we really, really love that the reason his day starts so much later is because he takes the time to have his morning workout — weights and cardio — read the papers, eat breakfast with his family and help pack his daughters, Malia, 10, and Sasha, 7, off to school before making the 30-second commute downstairs.

And what they’re not printing (but we all know) is that he’s also probably tryin’ to get some from Michelle right quick too…. Okay?

I see you…

By Mitzi on January 27, 2009 in feedback

Don’t get me wrong, I believe in the old saying: Beauty is only skin deep. Howsomever, while we’re on the surface there are a list things that I’m just not equipped to deal with… Severe acne as well as a noticeable unibrow are definitely amongst the number. But for the sake of a good arguement, if I had to choose one, I’m going with the unibrow all day every day.

Why? Simple. I’m willing to gamble that like the 71%, I will eventually (read: long, long time from now) grow accustomed to the extra facial hair. Mind you, growing accustomed is a far cry from LOVING but at some point, I would hope, I’d be able to train myself not to oogle at my partner’s never ending eyebrow. You know, the same way I trained myself not gag when I see pink toes kissing their dogs on the mouth. Feel free to gag.

Now the severe back acne? Not so much. I can barely stand the pimples on my own face and I only see that when I’m facing a mirror.

And in all fairness, perhaps the 28% who opted for severe back acne are just more concerned with public perception than I- afterall, there’s really no way to escape your crew’s clowning (and you know they will) when the mess is smack dab on the middle of the face. And thanks to Facebook, it ain’t just your peeps that’ll be leaving comments about you and your ‘interesting’ looking boo…

Yet and still, I’ll still take my chances with the peanut gallery. Cause I know me, and I have a serious issue with picking. Mmm-hmm, I ain’t never seen a pimple I ain’t wanna pop. Lord knows, if I see a whole bunch of blackheads on my man’s back what will happen. It might get real primative… And even if I’m able to control my urge to dig all up in his skin, there’s always the first time I run my hand along his back and it inadvertantly bust a bump. Oh. God. Ooze stains on my 600 thread count sheets?? EEEWWA, it’s a wrap. Like forreal, forreal.

Love you more than cooked food but you gots to get the hell out not now, but RIGHT NOW.

the bigger the bark…

By Mitzi on January 27, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Question: why do owners of small and minature dogs think its appropriate to stand by and watch their pet attack a larger dog?

Every time I take Drama for a walk through the park, somebody’s little foo foo dog comes running up to growl and snap at her. Luckily, Drama could care less about other dogs so for the most part we just keep walking and eventually the little mo-fu will get tired and return to its owner. No harm, no foul. (Of course, there was this minature Yorkie that nipped her nose and drew blood… I won’t get into the specifics of what I promised the owner would happen if her pissant dog ever came near us again but let’s just say, it hasn’t happened since.)

So lemme tell you, my neighbor Glaydys owns two minature chihuahuas, Ruby and Brownie; as well as two pitbulls, Mindnight and Hannibal. (I know, I know it’s a lot but try not to get sidetracked with the details.) Anyhoo, Ruby hates Hannibal. Like, every single time Hannibal walks near by her little basket/ home, she jumps up, loses her little mind and attacks his legs, tail, nose, or whatever else she can reach. It’s a mess.

For the record, on numerous occasions I’ve warned Glaydys about letting Ruby run amuck. But everyone in the apartment laughs me off because she’s so tiny and Hannibal doesn’t pay her any mind.

Well you know what they say- all good things must come to an end.

I guess Hannibal was in a bad mood last night and finally snapped back. Don’t you know he grabbed her up by the neck, shook her around and tossed that little ass straight across the room. Mmm-hmm, just like that. There was no blood drawn but poor thing was shaking leaf for at least an hour afterwards.

Now you know… if you have a little nosiemaker for a pet, you better act like you love it. Cause they can get it.

doo-doo brown…

By Mitzi on January 27, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, stressed the hell out

Why am I being held hostage by UPS?? No, seriously, I’m not even playing with you. Any other day, when I’m NOT expecting a package, this dude is ringing me bell off the hook at 9.01am. But just because I’m expecting something important- and really need to get it no later than today- he’s a straight no-show. I swear this fool is gonna drive me to drink. Jerk.

may I offer you some Mitchum…

By Mitzi on January 26, 2009 in Uncategorized

Oh Lord, the things I get myself into…

This weekend, I let Angela convince me to take a bikram yoga class with her and her hilarious daughter, Iyana. Please don’t ask why. Because if there are one thing that I know about myself, it’s that I have a very sensitive sense of smell. So you already know… 90 min in a 110 degree room with a bunch of scantily clad strangers? Jesus be a stick of extra strong deodorant.

But you know what? Wonders of all wonders, I LOVED it!

Don’t get it twisted, the smell is no joke. Like, my eyes watered from the moment I entered the building. It took me at least 10 minutes to stop gasping for breath. Even the waiting area stunk of stale arm pitt funk. And please believe I NEVER got to the point where I didn’t smell the odor. I don’t know if it was the humidity in the air, the moist carpeting in the studio or the dude next to me whose sweat beads popped off of his entire body like shooting bullets but it was a lot.

However, I had such a good time attempting all the crazy positions- have you ever tried to wrap your arm around your back and into your inner thigh?- that it wasn’t until the last five minutes that I started to feel worn out. I’d say, right around the time the water in my bottle started to taste lukewarm. Yeah, actually that was also kinda gross now that I think about it…

But I digress. Big picture: it was dope. So thank you Ang. I am so ready to go again.

I’m telling you, 2009 is about to be a big year… First, the inauguration and now bikram yoga? It’s about to go down.

get it together….

By Mitzi on January 23, 2009 in feedback

Ummmm, hello kind people. Question: did you vote in the latest poll on the site? Umm-hmm, just what I thought. You do know I change it twice a week, don’t you? Okay then, so go on and make the mitzimoments magic happen. Like now.

Don’t be lazy (yes Angela, I’m talking to you). Click through to the blog and let your opinion be heard. Forreal, forreal I’m dying to find out what you think about the crazy questions! Yes, I am that nosey.

Perfect example: I’ll bet you wouldn’t have guess that 80% of you have willingly done something sexually you regretted afterwards. Mmm-hmmm, that many!

Luckily, between growing up in the full on ‘No Means No’ / ‘You Give Me The Uh-Oh Feeling’ era and my very clinically correct mother, I have always been very comfortable with my sexuality. So like the 20% who answered no, I’ve never had a problem saying no to anything that might make my nerves bad in the morning. Peer or partner pressure be damned.

But hey, you learn something new every day. And I’m so sure the bunch of ya’ll won’t ever, never be doing whatever that was again, right? So there. Fresh start. And look, just in time for the next poll…

can’t get it back…

By Mitzi on January 23, 2009 in it ain't easy, keep hope alive

I woke up this morning feeling kinda out of sorts. Prob had a lot to do with the fact that I didn’t manage to fall asleep (alone, unfortunately) until almost 3am. So instead of jumping headfirst into the day, I decided to read the latest issue of EW (with Heath Ledger on the cover) that I snagged out of my mailbox upon my return from DC.

Now I gotta tell you. I’m not really the one to obsess over white men. Like, I can tell if he’s good looking or not (I’ve got eyes in my head, don’t I?), but beyond that… eh, not so much. Pinktoe juice just doesn’t get my heart rate pumping like a good old fashion cup of hot chocolate- ya feel me?

But Heath Ledger? Now that whiteboy right there was DOPE.

I can remember peeping him out ever since 10 Things I Hate About You. And who can forget how adorable he was in A Knight’s Tale? Even when he was creating a new term for being closeted (as in, ‘Girl you know that negro is straight Brokeback!’), don’t act like you couldn’t understand why old girl really, really wanted to pretend like she didn’t understand what those “camping trips” were about.

And the bestest part? Heath’s looks didn’t even begin to top his acting ability. He was truly one of the most talented young actors in Hollywood. From beginning to end, he would work a character OUT. Lords of Dogtown? The Dark Knight? Need I say more?

It’s still so heartbreaking to me that he died before even turning 30. Crazy.

i was there…

By Mitzi on January 22, 2009 in keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

I’m baaaaack! OMG, what an AMAZING, LIFE CHANGING experience being in DC over this inaugural weekend was for me and everyone that I know. Everyone was so joyfull. I swear it felt like one of those jumping Easter Sunday sermons sans the big colorful hats. Priceless.

And I really have to thank my BFF Nikki. Not only did she host my stay and roll with me to several different events every night of the weekend (my feet may never ever, ever completely recover), but her dad hooked us up with a pair of tickets. Go Georgie! So praise Jesus, I didn’t have to be out there in the dark at 4.30am throwing bo’s in an open field for a halfway decent view of the Jumbotron (instead we left at 6.15am and ended up standing in the bushes with a straight shot of the Capitol).

Unfortunately, we didn’t last long enough to see the parade… the fingers, toes and face were just too cold. But I watched and analyzed every second of the CNN and MSNBC coverage to the point where I might as well have been there. Can I get an amen?

On the low, I could probably watch the Obamas every day for the rest of my life. Kinda like that movie featuring Jim Carrey where he unknowingly lives his entire life on the set of a television show? I’m claiming it, I’m officially addicted.

Happy MLK Day…

By Mitzi on January 19, 2009 in i die, Mitzi- all day every day

Okay naturally of all the things I could’ve forgetten to pack, the cable cord for my camera is the one. So there won’t be any pictures of the weekend until I get back. But I will tell you this: Contrary to all the media forcasts, DC is NOT a madhouse.

BUT what the media isn’t telling you is- we are having a FANTABULOUS time. I mean, the folks are out in every shape, color, and possible length of fur coat. And everyone is HYPE. It sounds super corny but the air feels electric witht he anticipation.

Every time we drive past the Capitol building, I catch my breath. Of course, that could be the trobbing in my meet from all the dancing that I’ve been doing as well… Regardless,it’s all worth it. this is so much better than I could’ve imagined.

YES. WE. DID.

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