Mitzi

just my thoughts…

By Mitzi on May 1, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out

Soooo… how messy do we think Nas and Kelis’s divorce proceeding is going to be? ‘Cause not for nothing, homegirl is seven months pregnant. And whatever under the sun, made her drag her milkshake to the LA County Clerk and file the papers must be SOME SHIZZ-NIT- ya heard?

And not for nothing, am I the only who cannot WAIT till Danity Kane and all those dirty looking, barely talented chicks disappear from all media? I read the reviews of the “reunion show” that ran last night and it sounded like a HOT ASS MESS. Yeah, I said it. Speaking of made for TV train wrecks…

Is Harlem Heights over? I mean, I know I personally couldn’t make it past the first 20 minutes of the premiere episode. Howsomever, there were quite a few of ya’ll (and I won’t call no names Monique and Daria) that got caught up in the tomfoolery. I’m curious to hear how the drama & confusion worked itself out. Oh and I’ve been slipping on my Bravo reality show game. Is the Rachel Zoe Project even still on? Cause you know, I DIED for that damn anorexic, neurotic, bi-polar, psycho stylist! And what are the best bridal shows on? There’s nothing like a a little Bridezilla to take my mind off of the fact that I’m so hungry I could eat my own tongue (yes party people, Operation Skinny Bridesmaid is still in full effect).

I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I’m kinda excited for this overcast weekend. Cause all I wanna do is relax and zone out for a hot minute. That, and go see the X-Men Origins: Wolverine movie. Mmm-hmm… Cause I LOVES me some X-Men movies and I can’t wait for all the ridiculous special effects.

Well, whatever you do, have a fantastic weekend!

exhibit a…

By Mitzi on April 30, 2009 in i die, it's not a game out there, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

See now, I wasn’t even going to say anything about this swine flu madness. ‘Cause as far as I’m concerned there’s some new fangled Killer African Bee, SARS, Cow-Foot-Head disease popping up on CNN just about every six months or so…

And between you and me, I think that if certain folks would learn how to cover their mouths and use a little hand disinfectant, half of these problems would be solved. But that’s just my humble opinion.

But THEN I read this article in the NYTimes that set off my spidey senses. It basically details how experts are now trying to blame the whole health crisis on this poor little 5 year-old Mexican boy. Talking bout, “The government has identified Édgar Hernadez as the first person in Mexico to have become infected with a virulent strain of the swine flu.” Seriously?

Not for nothing, but doesn’t this sound very much like the whole- AIDS started in Africa from people who were having sex with monkeys hypothesis? Yeah, thought so. $50 bucks says the Mexican government just needed someone to throw under the bus to keep the World Health Organization off their backs. So naturally, they choose the lowest common denominator- a poor, illiterate family and their kid. So. Not. Cool.

You look at the picture and do the math. Err-um, keep it real. We ALL know where this pandemic really, really started…

happy 100 days…

By Mitzi on April 29, 2009 in desperate cry for help, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

So this past week, the washer/ dryer at the boy’s house ate my favorite pair of jeans.

I’m not saying it was his fault of anything like that BUT… my jeans were just fine when I put them in them in his machine. Then lo and behold, when the cycle ended and I started to fold the clothes, there’s a big ass hole under the left back pocket!! Insert image of my mouth dropping wide open in shock like an idiotic cartoon character.

Forget how much the silly thing cost, I worked SO HARD to get those jeans to fit my booty the way I wanted!!! Those were my ‘get-‘em-girl/ it’s-ya-birthday’ jeans… sniffle, sniffle. What I’mma supposed to do now??

I’ve lost a loved one. Please light a candle…

the height of stupidity….

By Mitzi on April 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's not a game out there, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, too old for the road

See…. cuteness is a tool of the devil.

I KNEW I should’ve stayed my vain self at home on Sunday night, enjoyed the unseasonable warm weather and minded my bid-ness. But NO. There I go, worrying about this godforsaken bridesmaid dress that I have to squeeze my ass into in exactly 23 days… and I decide to drag my butt to a 6.30p bikram class.

Well wait on it… don’t you know some worthless ass heifer STOLE my damn flip-flops from the friggin’ studio??

Uh-huh, you read that right: Just like hilarious episode of Sex And The City, where Carrie grudgingly goes to the baby shower and her gorgeous pair of silver Manolo Blahniks get ganked, my BRAND NEW black flip-flops were G-O-N-E.

(Insert image of me doing the most not to lose my shit on all the hippy ass pink toes standing around at the moment of discovery talking about, ‘are you sure you wore them here? Did you look carefully? Oh, I’m sure it was just an innocent mistake.’)

Innocent mistake my ass! I even waited until every last person had come to retrieve their shoes- just to see what was left (and quietly, still hoping the person might return with my shoes) Well, guess what? There wasn’t ONE pair of shoes left. NOTHING. NADA. Translation: that dirty mo-fo took theirs AND mine.

OMG, who does that? Sure its a recession, times are hard but MY GOD. Who steals flip-flops in 2009??

But Jesus be a neurotic black woman and her shower shoes… because despite all the side-eye that I catch for wearing flip-flops in the communal shower stall(apparently, they encourage folks to go barefoot to reduce the amount of outside dirt), at least my ass had something to wear go home.

Otherwise, picture me stepping out onto 145th Street barefoot!!! Shiiiiitttt! No maam, not even on a damn dare…

lookin’ like santa claus…

By Mitzi on April 24, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day

OMG, I want a wife!

The sun is shining, the forecast is in the 80s, the toes are done and my ass is inside cleaning a bathroom. Uh-uh, this don’t make no kinda sense. And THEN, after I finish scrubbing the toilet and tub, I still gotta put away laundry and go grocery shopping. What in the in unsexy in the city hell??

I’m telling you right now, I wasn’t born to live like this. Clearly the stork got confused and forgot to drop me off at Oprah’s house. ‘Cause no offense Els but you know the Big O is my forreal, forreal birth mother, right?

Fine, fine leave me to my delusional daydreams if you want. But please believe, when Oprah does show up and whisks me away to the big house to kick it with Barack and Michelle, ya’ll non-believers ain’t even getting a tweet outta me!

at least folks are pro-active…

By Mitzi on April 23, 2009 in feedback

How excited are we that the FDA is making the morning after pill available to 17 year-olds sans parental consent? Can we say, one less after school special? I know that Obama is busy saving the free world all day everyday but its the little stuff, like the overturning of this ridiculous rule that makes me heart the hell out of that man. Okay?

Speaking of birth control, a while ago-when I was debating switching up my method- I polled you guys about what was the preferred method of contraceptive. Just to see what everybody else was doing and if anything crucial had changed… Um yeah, not so much:

For 45%, the answer is still condoms. 30% said the pill. 12% are now using the Ring. And there’s still that adventurous (if you want to call it that) 12% who are rolling the dice with the rhythm method.

I’m not ashamed to say, I was and still remain with the 45% condom users. I guess my nerves are just too bad. I need to see the peen all wrapped up before I feel completely comfortable getting my swerve on. And what with the resurgence of old school, Woodstock-esque STDs like gonorrhea, chlamydia and syphilis? Uh-uh, I’d rather not have to explain to Dr. Greene what had happened after all the lectures she’s delivered about safe sex during my annual check-up.

I’ve thought long and hard about the pill. I mean with all the new options, who wouldn’t like to have a period every 3 months or possibly not at all? But at 33, it just seems a little late to be jumping on this band wagon. I mean, I want to at least pretend like I’m going to get married and knocked up by the age of 36 (got to speak it into being, right?). Not to mention, who can really afford to gain the extra pounds, acne or facial hair? It’s hard enough out here for a girl as it is without having to do battle with hairs on my chest or hanging from my chinny-chin chin.

Got to say, I’ve heard mixed reviews about the ring. On one hand I have a homegirl who SWEARS by it. and then I’ve heard that it can get moved around… Which in addition to being annoying, wouldn’t abode well for me and the type of guys I prefer to have relations with (uh-huh, you do the math). Not to mention, like the pill there’s that whole hormone thingy. Call me vain but I work damn hard for the basic results. Mama don’t want no extra work, thank you very much.

Oh and as for the rhythm? Until there’s a ring on it AND contracts signed, I won’t know nothing about this one right here. Lord knows, my heart can’t take it when the period is late and I know I don’t have anything to worry about. Can you imagine? I’d be living in a perpetual state of fear. Running to the bathroom every five minutes like I was a80 year old woman with a bladder control issue. Hilarious.

my type of mom…

By Mitzi on April 22, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it ain't easy, made for the maury show, tagging out, work it white girl

Okay seriously? White women are not , I repeat, they ARE NOT handling the stress of the recession well AT ALL!

What you know about a prominent attorney Park Avenue attorney/ well-to-do Westchester mom getting so sick & tired of her pre-teen daughters’ bickering that she kicked BOTH of their asses out of the car and drove the hell off???

Like seriously? Picture this frazzled white woman (see photo), pulling over to the side of the road in her expensive ass SUV/car and screaming at the top of her lungs- “BOTH OF YA’LL LIL’ GOOD-FOR-NUTHIN’ HEIFERS GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!!”

OMG, I can’t even breathe I’m laughing so hard right now. Bump that, I’m WHEEZING like a damn asthmatic!!! Cause you know, that right there is some end-of-the-line, to-hell-with-timeout, I’m-kickin’-you-out -I-don’t-kill-ya’ll-dead type ish!

Wait on it tho… While the 12 year-old was able to run, catch up with mom’s car at the next light and beg her way back in; not so much for the little sister. That one got left behind

But instead of carrying her ass home (like any halfway intelligent Black kid would’ve done), the 10 year-old went dry snitching to the cops. And when Ma-Dukes came to pick her up from the station, the po-po arrested that ass for endangering the welfare of a child.

Jesus take the wheel, I am DONE.

in the name of the father…

By Mitzi on April 22, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, keep hope alive, pocket full of dirty tissue

Considering how flawed modern day society’s moral compass has become, it must be extremely difficult to spread the Good Word. In all fairness, preachers pastors, priests, nuns and all members of the clergy probably do twice as much just to make half the impact. But err-um, not for nothing does it really take a $600K compensation package to get the job done? Really?

Apparently the new senior pastor at Riverside Church thinks so. And it turns out, as of this Sunday the good Pastor Braxton will be receiving:

-$250,000 in salary.
-$11,500 monthly housing allowance.
-Private school tuition for his child.
-A full-time maid.
-Entertainment, travel and “professional development” allowances.
-Pension and life insurance benefits.
-An equity allowance for him to save up to buy a home.

Far be it from me to judge who Jesus selects to be his shepard but I’m just saying- $250K base salary? A full time maid? Entertainment and travel allowance? In the midst of a global recession? Shouldn’t his ass be home, sitting still, reading the Bible looking for a sign?

Uh-uh, something just ain’t clean in the milk.

For this amount of money, I fully expect to hear about miracles popping off every single week. And not no play-play miracles either! I want reports of cripples walking, the blind being able to see and bigger than all that; good-looking, college-educated, SINGLE black men filling up the pews like it’s front row seats at a Jay-Z concert. Can I get an amen?

‘Cause as far as I’m concerned, the moment Pastor Braxton starts turning water into $20 bills, is the only day he should receive a $600k package for doing the Lord’s work. Till then, I’m gonna have to pray on it.

Happy Earth Day ya’ll!

i’ll give you somethin’ to cry about…

By Mitzi on April 21, 2009 in it ain't easy, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, using our powers for good

I hate the first day of my period. Okay, perhaps hate is a strong word. Let me rephrase that: I really dislike the first day of my period.

Every single time without fail, I’ll wake up on said morning with the starving African orphan-esque bloated belly, killer lower back pain and feeling extra extra evil. Like it’s so not a game for those initial minutes after the wake-up. All the way up until I finally figure that ‘duh, I got my period! That’s what all the drama and confusion is about!!’

Thankfully, I generally wake up alone. So, time permitting, I’ll promptly proceed to lay around in the bed, tossing from side to side, feeling sorry for myself and watching things that make me cry like Steel Magnolias/ the Christian the Lion youtube video for about half a day or at least until I remember those times when the period was late… ‘Cause please believe, nothing makes a woman pull it together and be grateful for a little cramp more than the memory of the times you had to commence the prayer circle and send the bloodhounds out to find it.

Uh-huh… Jesus be the 25th day.

But wait on it… so this morning before I could even get in a good hour of the whole ‘woah is Mitzi on her period’, I noticed an online article about a white woman in England who’s allergic to WATER. Can you imagine? Apparently Michaela Dutton has a rare allergy to water called aquagenic urticaria. Therefore anytime her skin gets wet, she breaks out in a painful rash!! YIKES!

Mind you, the post is 100% PC and solely focuses on the fact that this poor woman can’t even hold her own son because his sweat hurts her so much. Which I will definitely agree, is a heartbreaking issue. But you wanna know what I think is really, really the most tragic aspect of this situation? This woman CAN’T BATHE. For her entire life, she’s just been STINK.

I mean think about it. How can she possible take a shower? EVER? She busy talking about “people don’t come around anymore because they think I’m contagious.” No my dear, folks don’t come around cause you SMELL. I can’t.

Between this and the 22 year-old Boston University medical student killing Craigslist prostitutes in hotels for thrills, I had to cut the pity party short. My life is too damn good. Onward my people.

it’s all about the cover-up…

By Mitzi on April 20, 2009 in cuteness kills, keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day, tagging out, too old for the road

Now that the weather is attempting to warm up and we’re in the final stretch of whatever damage control folks will actually accomplish before open-toe season begins, it’s time to deal with the least appealing aspect of the change of season: the new bikini dilemma.

Uuuggh, can I tell you? I ABHORE (yes, breaking out the big GRE words folks) shopping for new bathing suits. Like, seriously? I can by new tanks tops, sundresses and sandals all day every day, but say the word two-piece and I literally wanna throw-up in my mouth. And it doesn’t matter how much I physically or mentally prepare, trying to find a swimsuit that can simultaneously hide all the lumps and bumps yet still qualify as sexy is like water torture.

Honestly, I think the root of problem is that every year, my overall body shape changes- sometimes for the better, most times not. Therefore, the hella cute string bikini style that might’ve been the answer last season, looks nothing but cra-razy this time around. And please, don’t even get me started on those damn boy short bottoms that cut dead in the middle of the saddle bag? No maam, nobody needs that AT ALL.

And call me cheap but the thought of spending damn near a $150 of bullshit sized piece of material that’s only going to hightlight the areas of my body that I’m most insecure about is beyond painful.

So if you see me walking out of Bloomies looking dazed and confused ike I someone just kicked me in the neck, you know what the deal is. There’s nothing to say, just pray.

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