Mitzi

one call I won’t accept…

By Mitzi on July 30, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, it takes a village, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

When I first read about Rodell Vereen, the South Carolina man that was arrested for having sex with the same horse for the SECOND time (um yeah, you read that right. He actually did it once before but the cops weren’t able to clearly identify him on the stable’s surveillance tape until now), my initial response was to vomit in my mouth. I mean the mental image on that was just too much for my nerves this early in the day…

But then, and feel free to call me crazy, I started to feel bad for homeboy… Mmm-hmm, yeah, I admit it. I actually felt bad for the greasy-looking sexual deviant.

Why? Well, it could be that I’m PMSing and my hormones are all outta wack. Still, call it a hunch but something tells me that he probably isn’t the brightest or wealthiest individual (otherwise, he’d have his own private stable of horse to bonk, no?). So he’s gonna have to reach out to some damn body to bail him out the clinker, right? And the only person you could conceivable call at a time like that would be the poor woman that gave birth to you. And can you EVEN imagine how that conversation went??

“Um yeah, Mommma? Hi. So listen, what had happened was… these folks done caught me getting it in with the neighbor’s filly. And now, well, I’m locked up. Mm-hmm, yes ma’am, as in having sex with the horse. No, no, nothing’s wrong with your hearing. You heard me correctly. S-E-X. But I swear, I she wanted it too… (insert sound of woman wailing and sudden dial tone) Hello? Hello?”

Sigh, poor thang. Let the prayer circle commence.

the real king of new york…

By Mitzi on July 29, 2009 in end of days, i die, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, that sense of entitlement

Wait a minute, why is Mayor Bloomberg so freakin’ GANGSTA??

According to this morning’s NYT, since Bloomberg Administration has not been able to curtail or reduce the problem of overcrowding in the city shelters over the past two terms they’ve now resorted to KICKING non-native homeless families up out of the city. Yes sir… On some real live, ‘No. Actually, you can’t make it here. So please proceed to carry your ass the hell on back to wherever you came from.’

Okay well maybe they’re not saying it like exactly that… But the good Mayor is funding a voucher program that “offers” to send entire homeless families anywhere outside of New York City a relative is willing to take them in. Mmm-hmmm…

And apparently there is no limit on how far these displaced families can go. To date, one-way tickets have been purchased to 24 states and 5 continents including: Paris, Johannesburg, Orlando, San Juan and the list goes on.

But my favorite part? They wanna act like they care about the well being of the families and that this not about getting the number of homeless down so that he can have a justifiable reason for seeking a third term. talking ’bout it’s all voluntary and that “once a family leaves New York, homeless service officials follow up with a phone call to make sure they arrive safely, then make a few more calls over the next two to three weeks.” Um, somebody please feel free to insert the hard side-eye cause I. Can’t. Take. It.

All I’m saying is… if it saves me tax dollars, I’m for damn sure not mad. But I see you Mike. I see you.

carry your own weight…

By Mitzi on July 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, why we as a people can't get ahead

Okay see now…

I’m just as worried as the next American about the sky-rocketing costs of medical care. Shoot, truth be told, probably a little more so considering I got the nerve to be a self-employed liver transplant recipient and whatnot. HOWSOMEVER, what we’re NOT gonna do is blame fat people for all of our problems in the 23.5 hour.

Uh-uh, all these recent recent reports about obesity-related health issues costing the US $147 billion dollars a year? No ma’am, I will not co-sign…

Why? Cause real talk? We’re all responsible. Those of who watched bedridden people get lifted out of homes with a crane and the lil’ Maury kids roll themselves on and off the stage every week like it wasn’t a big deal are just as guilty as the individuals who allowed themselves to become overweight b/c of sheer laziness and then developed health issues (as opposed to a medical condition being the REASON they were overweight to begin with). Yeah, I said it.

Our country didn’t JUST become the land of the steroid-infused chickens, triple Whoppers and Diet Cokes. We’ve been overindulging for YEARS!! So don’t get mad now that the babies you raised on Twinkies, packaged sandwich meats and watching TV instead of going outside to run around don’t have the slightest clue how to drop those extra HUNDRED or so pounds.

Jesus be the government that put half as much energy into making sure folks have just as much access to affordable healthy foods/ information on how to live better/ gym memberships as we do a $1 menus/frozen dinners/ happy hours at the local bar.

Maybe then, things might truly be a whole lot different.

help before I knew I needed it…

By Mitzi on July 24, 2009 in moment of silence

Hmmm, I’m definitely having a quiet moment…

Just found out that acclaimed author, E. Lynn Harris of down-low lit fame died at the premature age of 53 years. Not hot.

‘Cause let’s just keep it 1000, in addition to it being a juicy story, reading his groundbreaking Invisible Life saved many a woman- black, white, yellow, blue- from making tragic mistake with with a man who couldn’t make a decision.

RIP.

triple whopper and diet coke, please

By Mitzi on July 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, love be a cellulite cream, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Hmmm, so the New York Times is reporting that Manhattan is the thinnest county in New York State. Apparently the average across the state is 60% and we’re at an impressive 42% low.

Can’t say I’m uber surprised with all the models, artists, Euro-trash, Stepford wives and beautiful Chelsea boys fa-la-laing all over the damn place. But what is interesting is how honest the folks they interviewed about being skinny were about how they felt about the socioeconomic implications of being overweight.

“My mom says, ‘The smaller the dress size, the larger the apartment,'” said one Upper Eastsider.

Well damn, tell ‘em how you really feel ma. Right?

Mind you, although I thought some of these chicks were doing way too much for me to co-sign (so what you’re saying is, you’re 5-foot-8, 119lbs and you’re not tossing your cookies after every meal? Really?). I gotta admit, I definitely identified with one of the interviewees- Simon Doonan, 56, the creative director of Barney’s. Good ole Simon was the only person honest enough to attribute the borough’s obsession with weight to straight up, simple and plain, FEAR.

“Or closets are filled with all these expensive clothes that are like swords of Damocles, because we may not fit into them anymore.” Preach.

Cause the good Lord knows, my closet may only be filled with H&M, random sample sale finds and a couple of cute pieces from the GAP (gotta get the shout out in) but I damn sure can’t afford to replace nam stitch of it right about now.

SO until the majority of the styles at Target start to cater to the short and curvy (and please believe I check in on a regular basis), I too will be unabashedly dragging my butt to the stinky NYSC and trying to make the magic happen.

actually, a king’s son is a prince….

By Mitzi on July 22, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I must say, yesterday was a lot. First, waking up to the sound of pouring rain and then realizing that my cable/ internet wasn’t working definitely blew me. But in the grand scheme of things, it could’ve always been worse.

Shoot, I could’ve been famed African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. who got arrested for disorderly conduct after forcing open the jammed front door of the house he LIVES in. Mmm-hmm…

All I can say is thank god today is another day. The sun is shining, the Yankees are tied for 1st place in the Division and apparently Kelis finally delivered her son with Nas. Yes, let the choir sing. ‘Cause I am beyond tired of hearing about those angry twits from the web and reading about the messy divorce proceeding… yeah, I said it.

Not for nothing, if Kesha Nichols can get over being dumped via text message by lame ass, e-thug Richard Jefferson less than a week before their wedding, then my god- its time to pull up your big girl panties and move on the hell on.

Real talk? You skimmed through his first baby mama’s book just like the rest of us… You knew who you married. You rocked your matching satin ‘NIGGER’ jacket with pride. Spare us all the indignant outrage, ridiculous $20,000 a month child support demands and just carry your ass back to the studio.

sorry Corky…

By Mitzi on July 20, 2009 in feedback

Slow news days… that is unless you want to discuss Michael Vick coming off of house arrest or that Chris Brown’s bodyguard is allegedly selling his sneakers on Twitter. Yeah, me neither.

So I guess we’ll go to the polls. Ah, here’s a good one we never got to talk about:

What’s a bigger turn-off: a filthy kitchen or a nasty bathroom?

14%- filthy kitchen

85%-nasty bathroom

Mind you, I’m far from a neat freak. If anyone understands a little clutter in the NYC sized one bedroom it’s the girl who works in her living room. But a grimy kitchen or bathroom? Oh hells naw, the sight of either one of the two are deal breakers. Period, with no discussion to be had.

But if I must choose one evil over another, I’m going with the majority- the bathroom is a bigger problem.

Because not for nothing, we can always eat out but at some point, my weak bladder is going to betray me. And I WILL have to pee. And not that I’m ever sitting down on anybody’s toilet seat besides my own BUT just the sight of gross brown bowl underneath me is too much. Oh and what about when I go to wash my hands? What am I supposed to turn on the faucet with the edge of my fingernails?? No thank you.

It’s like how do you expect me to believe that you were able to truly get clean in a filthy bathroom? No way. I’m not buying it. Which in essence makes you a perpetually dirty individual…. which can only mean that you carry more than your fair share of germs… which means you’re going to make me sick. Uh-Uh, Simon says stop right there.

And big picture? Why don’t you care enough to clean? You knew I was coming… What neuron didn’t fire off the message to your brain that it’s not appropriate to allow the person that you’re dating/ trying to be intimate with to spend time in the crib when your bathroom is unclean? No ma’am.

Call me an elitist but I’m just not the one for dating the disabled. You and all those little hair from when you shaved your beard off have gots to do better.

all the places we won’t go…

By Mitzi on July 17, 2009 in it ain't easy, made for the maury show

Huh. Halfway through July and I still can’t figure out where to go on vacay this summer… Sigh, it’s not looking good for the kid.

For a second, I was thinking I’d go back to the Bahamas cause I absolutely LOVED their beaches… but that was before I heard about the family of feral pigs that have started swimming in the ocean. Mmm-hmm… Feel free to insert blank stare with three blinks.

Apparently, the parents and piglets were once domestic and now running amuck in the wild. They’ve made their home on Big Major Spot Island beach. And have no qualms about swimming alongside the visiting tourists. Um, how do I best say this? No ma’am.

But pigs in the ocean is nothing compared to the crappy tourism pr West Virginia is dealing with right about now. Where else in the WORLD do you hear about someone breaking into a house to have sex with a DOG??? What in the unholy-inbred-missing-chromosome hell is that?

Uh-uh. I. Will. Not.

Maybe this is a sign from above that I need to keep my behind local. You know, pull a folding lawn chair out onto the sidewalk, relax with the corner boys and let the hood entertain me.

you’re better than me…

By Mitzi on July 16, 2009 in feedback

I so love reading about President Obama making power moves… first and foremost pushing forward on the much-needed health care reform and then reversing an ignorant ass George Bush policy that argued severely battered and sexually abused foreign women couldn’t meet the standards of American asylum law.* Sigh.

Nothing sexier than a man on a mission to change the world.

But since the weather is FINALLY warming up, thought we’d keep it light and discuss a really, really old poll question that I almost forgot about my damn self: Have you ever used a prescription/ non-prescription drug to enhance your sexual experience?

And for the first time, I got a unanimous decision- 100% of you guys said – NEVER.

Okay, pause. Seriously? NOBODY has EVER smoked a little weed, popped ecstasy, used one of those over the counter creams to help the erection last longer or slathered on a gel to make the vajay-jay tingle???? Feel free to insert: serious side-eye right HERE.

Now, I’m not copping to exactly what I’ve done (or worse, whats on my list of things to try before its all said and done) but lets just say that on this right here, I’m definitely NOT one in the 100.

*Be sure to click on the link and read about the crazy court case that kicked off this battle with the former Bush administration. Home girl’s common-law husband was repeatedly raping her at gun point, holding her captive, stole from her and even tried to burn her alive when he found out that she was pregnant. Crazy.

Not for nothing, but it makes a sista wanna give her a nice, strong purse strap…

let the free flow…

By Mitzi on July 15, 2009 in it takes a village, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

First of all, lemme tell you- yesterday was a complete SUCCESS!

I had so much fun meeting folks, showing off the new dress, taking a bunch of pictures and most importantly, selling more than my fair share of books. So thank you, thank you to everyone who was able to make it out. It means the world.

But guess what??? All your positive energy worked!!! When I finally got home last night (cause you know even at a book signing there’s always an afterparty), I found out that I was selected to be the new GAP Brand enthusiast!!

WOO HOO- Go Mitzi, get busy!! Go Mitzi, Go Mitzi!!!!! I am SOSOSOSO excited for the free there are no words. And trust, I’ll be updating you as the packages roll in.*

Now, if I can only get Louboutin to holla, we’ll be all to the good.

* Check out the new canvas tote and mini lip-gloss 6-pack they gifted me in the welcome kit.

Real talk? 5 out of the 6 of the mini-gloss colors are def poppin’. But at first glance I wasn’t really loving the bag’s heavy olive/brown overtones. You know the kid is all about a bright color. How-some-ever, when I actually pulled it out of the box- it’s super lightweight, more spacious than it looks, has more than enough pockets and the yellow matches my yoga mat PERFECTLY.

READ: even if I’m dripping in sweat, the lips will be glossy and the bag will be coordinated.

Let the choir sing…

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