Mitzi

glutton for bitter punishment…

By Mitzi on August 12, 2009 in end of days, love be a cellulite cream, Mitzi- all day every day

So clearly, I don’t have anything better to do but make random 20 second appearances on Tiny & Toya and put myself through unnecessary changes. With that said- DRUM ROLL PLEASE- I have finally decided to give up white sugar. Um yes, please feel free to applaud. Because those who really, really know me and this greedy sweet tooth of mine, understand how above and beyond the call of Mitzi this move really is.

And no, I don’t have a good reason at all. I think I just want to try something new and healthy… Naw, that doesn’t even sound like me. Waaaay too wholesome. I probably just want to have something to talk about. LOL, yeah that’s more like it.

But we shall see how far I can get with this one. Cause its was already a close call when made myself a simple cup of tea this morning. Don’t you know, I damn near had to pour the entire bottle of honey into the cup for it to be sweet enough for me to drink?? And between you , me and my wallet, honey is too damn expensive to be running through bottles like that. Mmm-hmmm.

So we shall see, cause Lord knows, Mama got a speeding ticket to pay for…

early casting call…

By Mitzi on August 10, 2009 in made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

This is random as hell but is anyone besides me tired as hell of Jon and Kate Gosselin? I swear, watching these two of them battle out their messy breakup in the press feels very reminiscent of high school. You know when that loud, sloppy couple get into a screaming match and fall out in the middle of the cafeteria and NOBODY cares? I mean, not even the guidance counselors who were paid to get involved?

It’s like first, Jon cried because Kate emasculated him. Then, Kate cries because Jon is sleeping with other women. Next, Jon will cry because Kate is going to take all the TV money in the divorce settlement and here’s betting that Kate cries last when all 8 of them badass kids (who look exactly like their flat face Daddy) require MAJOR therapy and at least 4 end up on a reality rehab show with Britney Spear’s sons.

automatic trip to the ER…

By Mitzi on August 7, 2009 in end of days, it takes a village, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

Okay, for the record I’m all for teenagers using intimate dance moves to express their sexuality. Call me liberal but all means, get on the dance floor and grind it out all night if that’ll knock off the edge (read: keep the unplanned pregnancy rate down). HOWSOMEVA, there is a LIMITATION to the stupidity. And this recent dancehall craze called daggerin’… well, this is where mama gots to draw the line.

Honestly? Peep the video. I wouldn’t even describe this as imitating rough sex. Nope, survey says straight domestic violence. WTF is that Pum Pum dive at about 3:01?? I wish some negro would leap off a ladder and land on top of me… Shoot. Not for nothing, these hips ain’t NEVER, EVER, EVER been built for that.

Like Elsa used to say, these kids are making my nerves bad. Sigh.

Jesus be a broken pelvis.

i got your box seat in hell…

By Mitzi on August 5, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, moment of silence, why we as a people can't get ahead

Dizz-amn, there’s a lot of disturbing news poppin’ off today…

First the NYT is reporting that on the other side of the world men in the Congo are being raped in record numbers as a result of the ongoing joint Congo-Rwandan conflict (read: more than 10% of the reported rape cases in June were guy on guy action). Woah. Clearly there’s no limit to the brutality that people will commit against one another… Perhaps, now that men are being raped and tortured (seems castrations are on the rise too) the international community will finally step in and get involved. SMH.

Then in Pittsburgh, that 48 year-old antisocial prick went into a local LA Sports Club and started shooting up folks ’cause awit on it… no one wanted to be his friend and he couldn’t find girlfriend. As if I needed another reason not to go to the damn gym?? Now I got to be worried about the miserable creep who got his little feelings hurt seeking retribution? Dude… Go. Sit. Down.

And finally, right here in our own backyard that Long Island mom who drove unto Taconic Highway the wrong way and killed EIGHT people was freaking drunk AND high??? Drunk like, authorities discovered an open 1.75 liter bottle of Absolut in the car and homegirl’s blood alcohol level report reads as if she knocked back the equivalent of 10 shots of 80-proof liquor and smoked a blunt as recently as 15 minutes before the massacre… WTF??

Not to question the powers that be in the Universe and shit but I gotta ask- so where the hell was the dickhead State Police officer that all too happily pulled me over a couple of weeks ago for speeding on the same Parkway? Huh, huh? And don’t you know that self-important fool was all up in my face talking about ” Young lady you’re lucky that a dear didn’t jump out in front of your car. Or you might not be here to pay this ticket.” Insert prolonged blank stare with three very slow blinks.

NEGRO PLEASE. First of all, I’m sober and on the right side of the road. Secondly, speeding happens. RE-LAX. The only reason that I might halfway deserve to be called “lucky” is because some boozed-up, high-ass hell, trashy, red-neck wasn’t on the road tossing back swigs of vodka on her way home from a weekend in the woods.

It’s too much…. I’m done.

you may have been a moon but to me she’s the star…

By Mitzi on August 4, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

Yo, what ever happened to Kelly Price? I was listening to the the radio yesterday afternoon and the remix to ‘Friend of Mine‘, that song she recorded with Mr. Big and the ‘R’ came on. I was like damn… that big girl could BLOW! And not for nothing, how hilarious was Ron Isley with the nonstop call and response throughout the song?

My God, I miss good music.

money makes all the difference…

By Mitzi on August 4, 2009 in end of days, i die, pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road

I’m so excited about the two days straight of sunshine, I don’t know what to do with myself! Oh wait, yes the hell I do.

I need to earn a living and also find the time to run some overdue errands- take the car to get new brake pads (call me crazy but something about that grinding noise every time I stop seems a little ominous), finish the laundry and retrieve my cell phone from my mom’s house.

Sometimes this whole being a grown-up is waaay boring, no?

Theoretically, I could just sell my multi-million dollar ranch, move around the world to India, become a transsexual named Elizabeth and live in a community of eunuchs and transgenders. Oh wait, John Jeffords, a primary member of the old money, blueblood family that owned the legendary racehorse, Man ‘O War already beat me to it. And apparently he wants to tell the whole world about it on an upcoming ABC special: ‘Primetime: Outsiders’ which airs on August 25th.

Sigh, rich kids have all the fun.

he makes my ears suicidal…

By Mitzi on August 3, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, tagging out

Ummm, you ever have the feeling that some folks just don’t know when to just be quiet? It’s like they keep going on just to hear themselves speak? Yeah, you too? Well this time, Vincent Nicholos Archbishop of Westminster in England, I’m talking about you.

According to Reuters, dude (who happens to be the Head of the Roman Catholic Church in England) is “concerned that excessive use of emails and mobile phone text messaging is creating shallow friendships and undermining community life.” Now, initially, I almost co-signed on his sentiment but then he had to go that extra inch and hit us in the head with his opinion”that popular social networking sites led young people to form “transient relationships” which put them at risk of suicide when they collapse.” Suicide? Really? Please insert blank look with three blinks.

Listen, I too wish kids nowadays spent waaaay more time running around, playing sports and being carefree than playing video games, talking on cells, sending IMs and stalking one another Myspace/ FB or whatever the hell is the cyberflavor of the month. But I can’t act like back in the day, I wasn’t up until all hours of the night talking/ whispering (’cause each Elsa caught me it was sure to be an ass whooping) on the 3-way call, beeping some cute boy on a those ginormous skytel pagers and acting like I was gonna literally die if my Dad didn’t click over every time the call waiting sound beeped. And guess what? I turned out just fine. So Father God forgive me if I think to imply that suicide is imminent if someone ‘un-friends’ you (especially when you’re the leader of a church) is a bit much…. Oh well.

Jesus be the bungee cord.

every day is xmas…

By Mitzi on August 3, 2009 in it's in the genes, miracle on 169th street, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

OMG, OMG, OMG! My Mommy (yes, it becomes Mommy in moments like this) just surprised me with a brand new Kindle!!! Woo-HOO, go Mitzi, it’s ya birthday! Go Mitzi, get busy!

Um, actually, it’s not. But yet and still. Big E hooked a sister up for no reason at all, except that she thought it would be something that I’d L-O-V-E. And even though I am SO not the new gadget/ techie-type person at all; I really, really do.

Seriously, tho? There is absolutely nothing in the world better than random acts of kindness. You know the funny card in the mail, ‘have a great day’ flowers on a Wed, taking my car to get washed ’cause you know I HATE to do it or simply having the bed made by the time I drag my butt out the shower. Can the church get an amen? (On the flip side, this is prob the reason I’m so damn relationship retarded… ‘Cause I don’t understand when the person you’re dating doesn’t seem to ever think outside the box and you know, do something special just for the hell of it. It’s damn. My mom is better at his than you and I don’t even got to swing from a chandelier for her…. But I digress.)

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU MOM. I am SOSOSOSO excited. You just made my whole summer!!

‘n’ for nice try…

By Mitzi on July 31, 2009 in end of days, it takes a village, team obama, why we as a people can't get ahead

Wow, its a hard week for the Obamas, huh?

First Barack tries to hold his man ‘Skip’ down and winds up having to suck salt and have a couple of brews with a man that 9 times outta 10 probably didn’t even vote for him. And now, it turns out that the soil in Michelle’s beautiful vegetable garden was fertilized by straight up sewage sludge. Mmm-hmm… READ: every and anything you toss/ flush/ washes down our sewer drains.

Just let me know when your stomach settles… ’cause the visual on that is a bit much.

Apparently, that damn Clinton administration used a sludge-based product to fertilize the garden back in the 1990s and the effects are STILL lingering. So when the National Park Service recently tested the soil beneath the garden to see if the vegetables/ fruit could quality for organic certification, it discovered elevated levels of lead averaging 93 parts per million. Mind you, the EPA recommends that you do not even try to grow food in any soil that tests at 100ppm or higher.

So um yeah, about feeding all the innocent kids in America a salad? Yeah, survey says, no thank you.

lord…

By Mitzi on July 31, 2009 in desperate cry for help, going to hell in a handbasket, moment of silence, too old for the road

So if you were wondering how long it was going to take Eminem to respond to Ms. Mariah’s cute little single, Obsessed (which for the record, I actually like), this video is your answer.

Dayum… can you feel the shank? Marshall went IN.

Ya know, I might be going out on a limb here BUT I’m thinking that Mariah and Nick should probably just go sit down somewhere, be quiet and reflect for a sec. Cause I don’t care how many red carpets you wanna wear between now and forever and this right here… this is NOT okay.

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