Mitzi Moments

Author: Mitzi

she ain’t even all that cute…

By on October 21, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, too old for the road, why we as a people can't get ahead


DJ, cue the music because… Bom, bom, bom another one bites the dust. 

I swear, these old ass former athletes just can’t let it go…. Like of all the women in the world that are down for the discreet-two-consenting-adults get down, this fool managed to find and screw the crazy ass, unstable, young chick that would shamelessly stoop to the level of incessantly harassing his wife, then cyber stalking his 16 year-old son on Facebook AND wait on it… showing up at the CT manse with the nasty old school ‘Hi-my-name-is-Brooke- and-I’m-screwing-ya-man’ letter mentioning the ugly birthmark above his crotch. So 1987.

Mind you, according to good ‘ole Steve, he only slept with homegirl 3 times. Uh-yeah, right. Please feel free to insert the DEAD FISH EYES right… here.

It’s like, did we learn NOTHING from the Steve McNair tragedy?  Why in the middle-age-crisis hell is anyone still chasing these immature broads that have absolutely nothing to lose? Does the young vagina feel that much better??? Cause not for nothing… thanks to decrease in modern day morality and fluidity of sexuality I’m pretty confident most of that young stuff be pretty worn out nowadays.  But I digress…

Bottom line: Steve you suck.  You put your entire family, livelihood (did I mention ESPN has now suspended this fool for a week?) and reputation in jeopardy over a fling with a certified bird. 

Survey says no thank you.

good girl needs prayer

By on October 20, 2009 in end of days, it ain't easy, tagging out

So I ( like countless numbers of you guys, I’m sure) just listened to Russian Roulette, the new single from ya girl Rih-Rih’s upcoming untitled album for the first time.  Hmmmmm… how can I say this nicely?


This  right here is the kind of song, that makes folks on the edge feel like slitting their wrists, videotaping it and posting it on youtbe.com might be a very sexy thing to do. 

*Insert Dead Fish Eyes*

Like personally, I’d probably listen to this when I was in a funky mood and needed to force myself to cry so that I could get the hell over it or on repeat during those traumatic first 48 hours after a bad break-up.  But for damn sure, not in a club.  And while you’re at it, I’m not sure I even want to hear it on the radio too many times. 

Shooot,  life is hard enough without the suicide theme music.

walt don’t want no parts of this…

By on October 19, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, work it white girl

Lord GOD!  Is it just my imagination or is Lindsey Lohan’s face looking Ca-RAZY recently? 


No, seriously, ever since her massively failed fashion career launch at the Paris shows, homegirl has gone straight leather face- deep etched wrinkles in the brow, blistery looking lips that no lipstick can seem to hide and the perpetual 2+ bags under the bloodshot eyes. Real talk? Homegirl looks a walking hangover.

Hmmm, I wonder if she’s so broke that she can’t afford a make-up artist anymore…. ‘Cause I have to say, even at her bald-headed worst, I don’t remember Brit- Brit’s skin EVA-NEVA looking this tough. Do you?

so not impressed…

By on October 16, 2009 in pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Just when I thought it wasn’t possible for Sean ‘Puffy/ Puff/ P.Diddy/ Diddy’ Combs to get any more ridiculous… Apparently this fool was on 106 & Park screeching his way through one of those horrendous Dirty Money tracks and tossing fake money into the crowds and managed to throw away his own $20,000 diamond ring. Fool.

But wait on it… once he realized that he’d lost the ring, Mr. Combs had security shut down the entire studio. And they proceeded to frisk the entire studio audience of teens and students like a bunch of criminals. Really? So this is what you sign up for when you go to BET?

So not interested.

But forreal, forreal, here’s what I don’t understand- if you’re such a baller, why you gonna lock down and frisk folks? Shouldn’t all your jewelry be insured? And if not, shouldn’t you be able to just charge it to the game? Like my bad, next time I’ll be sure to purchase jewelry that fits me properly? Sigh.

Damn P.Dummy.

like xmas in october…

By on October 15, 2009 in using our powers for good

Now here’s some medical news that we can all get excited about: it seems that there’s a new and improved menstrual cramp medicine being tested that proactively targets the cause of the stomach pains rather than trying to ease the pain once they’re already in full effect. Woo Hoo! The medication, known as VA11913 and manufactured by the British company Vantia Therapeutic, will be tested over the next two months on a group of women that suffer from severe cramps. 


Fingers crossed the days of being doubled over are numbered…

we down with the ppp…

By on October 14, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Here’s the thing-kids can be mean to one another.

It’s not always fair, but everyone understands that it’s just the way life is… But there’s a difference between being mean and being a goddamn psychopath. And I’m sorry but the three little future serial killers from Deerfield Beach, Florida that laughed about setting a fellow classmate on fire over an unpaid $40 debt are definitely the latter and deserve to be sharing a cell with a 6’5″ 350lb lifer named Big Bertha forreal, forreal.

Like seriously? That poor kid has severe burns on 80% freaking percent of his body. Physically and mentally, he will never be the same. I can’t even imagine the pain he’s in right now. Sigh.

And not for nothing, what kind of parents RAISE children that set people on fire? As far as I’m concerned they should definitely bear some of the responsibility when senseless tragedies like this occur. You know some sort of Poor Parenting Penalty where the parents pay a hefty monetary fine AND are sentenced to hard labor.

Cause bottom line- at some point, the B.S has to come to an end.

no mas…

By on October 13, 2009 in it ain't easy, Mitzi- all day every day

See now, I’ve been trying my best to be a better person and not talk ish about celebs b/c I understand that they are people with feelings just like the everyone else…  But dammit, I swear ‘fore God,  Christina Milian and The Dream are gonna take me back to the dark side.


What in the paying-the paparazzi-to-pay-attention-hell is up with these two?  

I swear, these knuckleheads are like the 2009 version of Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey during their MTV reality show heyday. They’ll show up for the opening of a damn tuna can. And is it just me or does the constant whoring for the paparazzi seems even worse now that Christina is knocked up? Sigh. It’s exhausting. 

Oh and Christina? Not for nothing, can you please inform ya man that those extra, extra sm-medium jackets aren’t doing a squat to hide the jiggly man-boobs. I’m not mad at you for appreciating the comforts of all his soft and squishy folds of his sympathy weight gain.  Howsomever, I’d rather not be a witness.  At. All.

Here’s a thought: why don’t you go sit down and give both of your swollen ankles a rest?? I’m just saying.

next stop is not dancing w the stars…

By on October 7, 2009 in end of days, i die, made for the maury show, work it white girl

Okay, you know what? There are definitely times when actions speak louder than words. And this video is screaming right now. Or maybe that was just me after watching it for the first fifty times…. ‘Cause when I tell you, this right here, Made. My. Day.

I can 99.9% GUARANTEE you, this little girl’s parents have NO idea their daughter is jamming on the ones like this. Like seriously? Goldilocks ain’t missed a beat. Matter-of-fact, my old ass would probably sit the hell down if I saw her on the dance club.

Now, I’m hesitant to blame it all on the nanny… For one, most of the nannies I see sitting out in the parks barely want to look at the kids they’re supposed to be taking care of let alone take the time to teach they how to pop their booties.  And quite honestly, there’s just as good of chance homegirl learned it at school from one of her classmates. But still… it damn sure took a nanny to cue the music, videotape the solo performance and put it up on the web. 
Feel free to insert Dead Fish Eyes.
With that said, I’d like to dedicate this to all the Upper East Side and Park Slope parents whose kids are being raised by someone else. Um, Barbie and Ken? It’s time to reassess.

extra pickles and ketchup please…

By on October 6, 2009 in it ain't easy, Mitzi- all day every day, tapped out

Oh God, so yesterday morning I read the most disturbing article about the ridiculous amounts of e.coli that go undetected in beef processing despite all the new safety precautions. In fact, this one woman who was a dance instructor literally wound up in a coma and became freaking paralyzed after eating a tainted pre-packaged burger.  Can you imagine?  


I have to tell you, reading that story was more depressing than watching the women interviewed in Chris Rock’s new hilarious flick, Good Hair openly admit that given a choice: they’d spend $1K on their weave before they’d pay rent/ mortgage. Um-hmm… Mind you, I already knew how folks get down about their hair- hell hath no fury like a bald-headed black woman- but still… 

Granted, this isn’t the first time that I’ve been warned about the dangers of beef.  But at the end of a shitty day, nothing says love like a couple of my super-duper homemade tacos. But now, thanks to the chick in the wheelchair, I’m gonna have to rethink all of that. Sigh.

Don’t you hate it when you gotta do better just cause you know better?

munchies like a mo-fu…

By on October 5, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

Err-um, what in the lowest-common-denominator-next-stop-is-the-crackhouse hell is happening in the suburbs??

According to the NY Daily News, over the weekend Norwell, Massachusetts authorities arrested a couple for assaulting a fellow patron outside their local KFC restaurant. Why? Apparently, homeboy, 31 year-old Jared Garfagna and his girlfriend, 24 year-old Sara Mohn became pissed off with the slowass service and the two started wildin’ out inside the restaurant.  In response, this random dude asked/ told  them to keep all that crazy screaming and cussin’ to themselves- for the sake of the children (aww, we love the good samaritan who sticks up for the kids).

Unfortunately, that didn’t go over as well with the ghetto Bonnie and Clyde.  At. All. And when dude came outside, the two of them beat FIRE out of him! 

Umm-hmm, the po-po said that Jared cold clocked the man upside the head while good ‘ole Sara got a couple of swift kicks in.  Okay, maybe they didn’t say it EXACTLY like that but… Poor guy wound up with cuts on his eyelids and wrists. Ouch.

Seriously?? Over some damn fried chicken? Sigh.

KFC is the devil ya’ll. 

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