Mitzi

check one off the bucket list…

By Mitzi on November 5, 2009 in miracle on 169th street, Mitzi- all day every day, using our powers for good

Quick shout to my girl, Nicole for hooking a sista up with a ticket to Game 6 of the World Series last night. There are no words to express what an AMAZING experience it was to watch my favorite team in the entire UNIVERSE win their 27th Championship title in the new stadium. And to think, I didn’t even have to perform unspeakable sexual acts live on the Times Square Jumbo-tron for it…

Seriously ma? I owe you my first born.

All I can say is: WHO’S YOUR DADDY?

the madness…

By Mitzi on November 5, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, tagging out

Note to my beloved agent: I know I promised that I would meet that godforsaken deadline you’ve given me. And I swear, I really, really meant to… But unfortunately, the world is going to hell in a hand basket and it makes it a bit difficult for me to come up with funny, entertaining things to write about. Don’t believe me? Check it out:

-A 14 year old teen just admitted killing his 4 year-old neighbor. Apparently, he sodomized, drowned and then stuffed the poor little kid in the dryer to keep folks from thinking he was a child molester. *Dead Fish Eyes*

- a 29 year-old incest survivor who is imprisoned for cutting off and boiling her father’s penis, is now taking cooking classes at Rikers. Seriously? I’m not saying ‘ole dude didn’t get what he deserved BUT I’m just a little unclear who would ever okay this chick being in anyone’s kitchen like, ever.

- The number of corpses found at the former US Marine turn serial rapist/ killer’s crib in Cleveland is up to ELEVEN. And apparently, they haven’t even started breaking down the walls of the home

-Oh and Mayor Mike Bloomberg was re-elected.

So the next time you call and I’m hiding under my bed. Don’t ask why.

curly cord and all…

By Mitzi on November 4, 2009 in moment of silence, stressed the hell out, the internet is the devil, why we as a people can't get ahead

Lord haf mercy, I am struggling this morning….

First of all my tummy hurts. And we all know, there’s NOTHING worse than waking up with a stomach ache when you have work to do.

But bigger than the bubble guts, why is my BlackBerry suddenly not charging??? WTF? 24 hours ago, the stoopid thing was absolutely fine and now, for no good goddamn reason, it’s not connecting with the charger. Straight dead battery…

AAARRRRGGGH, I hate all this fickle ass technology!

Seriously? The mere thought of the hours that I ‘m about to waste at the ghetto ass Sprint store on 125th Street when my ass should be trying to earn a living makes my stomach cramp up even more.

Jesus be a robin’s egg blue colored rotary phone…

feel it in the air…

By Mitzi on November 3, 2009 in it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement

WOW, so now actor Nicholas Cage is broke too? Damn homie, didn’t you make over $40 million in one year? SMH. I don’t know party people, seems to me like this recession is kicking every damn body’s arse nowadays. Poor thang.

Speaking of poor thangs… What about Wendy William’s former sidekick turn solo morning show radio personality Charlamagne getting fired ’cause he allowed Beanie Sigel to air Jay-Z out?? Woah. Lemme find out Sean Carter can’t take a little criticism. Not for nothing Mr. Knowles, with all the other stuff going on in your life, you really shouldn’t be so thin-skinned. And if you ain’t bother sending ya mans/ former BFF a measly nickel or even a single word of encouragement when he was on lockdown, so be it. That’s just who you are. Claim it and move on.

Oh and here’s the million dollar question of the day: Does anyone really, really think we’re going to get anything interesting out of Rih-Rih when she sits down with Diane on GMA? Or even 20/20?

makes me wanna listen to a love song…

By Mitzi on November 2, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day

Not to be all mushy on a Monday morning but I so HEART the Obamas.

Not only because they are the most dynamic and open-minded presidential couple we’ve had in the White House, like ever. No, simply because they’re so willing to be honest about what being part of such a dynamic union requires:

“If my ups and downs, our ups and downs in our marriage can help young couples sort of realize that good marriages take work. . . .” The image of a flawless relationship is “the last thing that we want to project. It’s unfair to the institution of marriage, and it’s unfair for young people who are trying to build something, to project this perfection that doesn’t exist.” -Michelle Obama

I just finished reading ‘The Obama’s Marriage’ this week’s NYT Magazine’s 10- page cover story on the President and the First Lady. Long? Um, hell yeah. But oh-so so inspirational for those of us still looking for our own version of happily ever after.

Onward my friends.

in a funk…

By Mitzi on October 29, 2009 in Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

To be quite honest, thanks to last night’s piss poor performance of my beloved Yankees there’s nothing I particularly feel like writing about today…

I mean, aside from the SC state attorney who was picked up by the po-po for trying to get it in with a stripper in a graveyard. Uh-huh, you read that correctly that 66-year-old fool had the Viagra and sex toys- just in case and was trying to get it poppin’ in the place where dead bodies go to decompose on his LUNCH BREAK. Sigh. *FAIL*

Oh yeah, I guess there is the aspiring 19 year-old singer from Canada that was mauled by two wolves while hiking alone on some nature trail… Mmm-hmm, crazy. I feel horribly for her and her family because being torn apart limb by limb is no way for anyone to spend their last minutes alive. But real talk? WTF was she doing hiking in the woods by herself without a can of mace, a machete or some kinda gun? *EPIC FAIL*

But on an upnote, that random white woman from Philly who got arrested for soliciting an undercover cop in exchange for two tix to the World Series actually wound up being given a pair to Sunday’s game from her local radio station and a car dealership. *NICE*

So see kids, sometimes, it’s worth the court summons.

this whiteboy might could get it…

By Mitzi on October 28, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, it's in the genes, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out, that sense of entitlement

I gotta give it to the kid, that Levi Johnson never ceases to bring a nice satisfied smirk to my face. You know, kinda like the one that happens when you unintentionally witness a worthless ex get screamed on in public by his crazy ass stripper baby mama (don’t ask). Mmm-hmm… I swear, this dude STAY giving Sarah Palin da BID-NEZZ.

So peep game, now in addition to previously pulling the entire GOP strategy machine’s ho cards out in a recent Vanity Fair expose on what really happened on the campaign trail when they found out about the pregnancy and agreeing to pose nude for the upcoming Christmas issue of Playgirl, homeboy is threatening to personally AIR SARAH’S ASS OUT if she doesn’t quit poppin’ shit about him.

Talking ’bout: “Now it’s my turn. If she’s gonna say things about me, I’m gonna leak things about her. That’s just how it is.”

Oh snap!!! It’s like THAT Levi? Word???

All them Alaska rednecks besta stop staring at their view of Russia and come get this boy…

made for the movies…

By Mitzi on October 27, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, tagging out, why we as a people can't get ahead

So while folks are busy debating Chris Brown’s motive for posting that uber: emo fan montage video of Rih-Rih and himself, no one seems to be talking about the 15 year-old girl that was gang raped, brutalized and robbed by fellow students in front of a crowd of onlookers outside her high school in California.

Priorities people… Sigh.

Apparently, the little girl (’cause she’s younger than Taylor Swift) was leaving her school dance to meet her Dad for a ride home. Before the father arrived, one of the teenage assailants noticed her waiting and convinced her to join him and some other kids in the school courtyard for a quick drink. Apparently, was drink was drugged. And the rest is history…

Now, I’m sure some folks are going to want to blame all of this on the issue of underage drinking. But forreal, forreal? Ain’t no alcohol/ weed/ whatever illegal substance you can think of EVER made any of the guys that I know to behave like this:

At least four boys raped and committed multiple sex acts on the poor girl while wait on it… up to 15 people intermittently watched (cause they would come, see, leave and go tell other people what was going on). NOT ONE OF THOSE DEPRAVED BASTARDS CALLED FOR HELP. The authorities finally found homegirl under a bench after someone who didn’t see or participate happened to overhear one of the witnesses reminiscing about the incident finally called the po-po.

Reminiscing? Insert Dead Fish Eyes.

We all need to pray for that little girl. ‘Cause she ain’t never,ever, ever gonna be right after this. Gang raped at 15 in front o f a live audience? Like it was 106 and Park up in the bee-yatch? No ma’am.

As far as I’m concerned, her family members have every right in the world to spend all the waking hour of their LIVES finding and torturing each and every single solitary person that participated, watched or even thought they might of knew something about that ‘ish. Like on some real depraved SAW/ Law Abiding Citizen type nonsense.

Yeah, I said it.

preach my brother…

By Mitzi on October 23, 2009 in desperate cry for help, it's in the genes, it's not a game out there, using our powers for good, why we as a people can't get ahead

Lil Boosie Interview from Motion Family on Vimeo.

Up until I saw this video, I had no idea who/what a Lil’ Boosie was, let alone listen to any of his so-called music. But thanks to this ‘ish right HERE? Why, that illiterate mumblin’ ass fool in now my certified HERO!

And I’m so serious.

Apparently, homeboy is headed to jail for 10 months at the height of his pathetic career/life. BUT instead of trying to be hard, he goes wide left and says exactly what I’ll bet Lil’ Wayne all the other countless idiots facing/serving time for the “you can take a dumb ass out the hood but you can’t the hood out the dumb ass 101″ charge a.k.a illegal gun possession is thinking:

“Fuck holdin’ my head… And if I’m lookin’ mad, look the other way bitch! I’m the one going to do time, fuck all dat. Put somethin’ in a nigga account.”

Priceless.

it hurt my heart and my nose…

By Mitzi on October 23, 2009 in it's not a game out there, love be a cellulite cream, using our powers for good

Oh God, so I went and saw a preview screening of the movie Precious (based on the book Push) yesterday evening at the Magic Johnson Theater on 125th… All I can say is JESUS TAKE THE WHEEL.

Mind you, I am a complete book snob (no surprise there). As far as I’m concerned, no movie will ever be a better experience than an author’s original version. BUT, I gotta give it to twisted ass Lee Daniels, this ‘ish right here is damn good.

Forget about the graphic nature of the story’s content (extreme poverty, sexual/physical abuse, illiteracy, obesity), the mere visuals ALONE made me wanna simultaneously cry and vomit. Seriously? Harlem has NEVER looked so dirty, Monique so goddamn deranged or an obese teenager’s skin so freakin’ SWEATY from the mere act of breathing.

Call me crazy but there were moments when I actually felt like I was starting to SMELL the stink of greasy fried chicken and salty pig feet coming off of the screen. *Blank stare*

So while you probably won’t leave the theater feeling anything but depressed, disgusted and in my case in desperate need of a shower, DEFINITELY go see this movie as soon as it hits a theater near you.

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