Mitzi Moments

Author: Mitzi

and the clock keeps ticking…

By on December 28, 2009 in desperate cry for help, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue

What is it about the last 4 days of the year that consistently sends me into a tizzy? It’s like, I woke up this morning and remembered a whole list of crap I SWORE I was going to get down before the end of 2009. And true to form, I have decided to make it ALL happen in the next 96 hours… or at least try really, really hard.


I exhaust myself.

Speaking of exhaustion, (as I’ve stated many times in the past) works a nerves more than that awful Gosselin clan. Mmm-hmm, Jon, Kate and yes, all eight of their funny looking kids- no offense.

Just when I thought we might make it out of 2009 without any more self-created drama from TLC’s former get-along-gang, here Jon goes- back in the freakin’ headlines. This time because his NYC apartment was allegedly ransacked from top to bottom by his ex-girlfriend Hailey Glassman. Um, really? Who cares? People’s apartments get broken into ALL the time. Doesn’t that fool have insurance?

And not for nothing, what exactly did he expect to happen when he put her out? Isn’t this the same chick that started out as a journalist but somewhere along the line tossed all her integrity to the side to get famous by screwing Jon?


Uh-huh. *blank stare with three SLOOOOOOOOW blinks*

blood on the dancefloor…

By on December 23, 2009 in i die, made for the maury show, never too grown, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

Never thought I’d utter this sentence but, it sure is a good day to be Mike Tyson.


Okay, okay maybe good is a bit of a stretch since dude is already scheduled to head back to court in 2010 for the shenanigans with the paparazzi a couple of months ago. But something tells me that if the former champ read yesterday’s New York Post (or should I say, had someone read it to him), he probably enjoyed a bit of a chuckle.

‘Yes sir because apparently, that whole ‘man-biting-man-and-ripping-flesh off-in-the-heat-of-the-battle’ thing that he went through back in the ring with Holyfield? Well kids, it really can happen to the best of us. Okay, maybe not the best. But dammit, it does happen. Just ask Mark Lambert…

*movie star screams, gags and faints DEAD on the floor*

But wait on it… wanna know the reason the lawyer went all cannibal on his fellow club patron? (And no, there weren’t millions of dollars at stake like there was for Tyson.) It seems that two of Lambert’s homeboys were holed up in a bathroom stall and not exactly using it to urinate if you catch my drift… Coughs, How you doin’?? So Herber started tripping on the 2 guys and demanding they come out b/c he needed to actually use the bathroom. And that’s when Lambert (who was outside the stall using a urinal), rushed to the defense of his friends and started the fight with Herber. Um really, all that for some friends?? Feel free to insert serious side-eye as the disco ball silently spins overhead.

Mind you, the two dudes in the stall were not charged with any crime. Which means- they never bothered to stop whatever they were “doing,” come out and help Lambert who was chomping away on their behalf.

*drops the mic and walks away*

should’ve queefed…

By on December 22, 2009 in desperate cry for help, end of days, made for the maury show, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget, tagging out

And the crazy keeps coming… Don’t ask me how I missed this story BUT it seems that earlier this year the police in England were on the hunt for a-and I quote- ‘sniffing pervert.’ Uh-huh, you read that correctly.


Apparently this grown ass man was/is stalking a 20 year-old stock boy at a grocery store in Plymouth Divine, England. And by “stalking,” what he does is hang around the grocery store aisle where dude is working and when the kid isn’t paying attention, the pervert will get really close and sniff the boy’s booty…. a lot.
But wait on it… This wasn’t an isolated incident. Allegedly, this man has come into the store at least twice to get his whiff on. *Dead Fish Eyes*

Okay forreal, forreal, fetish be damned who does this???? And perhaps the bigger question is, why didn’t any of the other people shopping in the aisle say something when they saw this man with his nose all up in this kid’s arse?

‘Cause not for nothing, if I saw someone shoving their face in another person’s butt and then ducking away, I’m saying something. And no, not because I’m some kinda good samaritan trying to gain brownie to get into heaven. How’s about I just don’t want to see that nonsense in the same place that I’m purchasing my groceries. Like, Ever.

welcome to our world….

By on December 21, 2009 in end of days, keep hope alive, supermarket dreams on a bodega budget

Okay, I know times are hard and tempers can be short but I’m gonna need folks to dig deep and find a bit of the holiday spirit. ‘Cause what we’re not going to tolerate is the disgruntled off-duty D.C. cop pulling a gun and threatening civilians because his precious red Hummer got caught in the middle of an organized snowball fight.


No thank you Detective Bailey. That is NOT what the tax dollars pay your salary for. AT. ALL.

Although on a sidenote: I wonder how those lil’ white boys felt having a police officer pull a gun and threaten them for no good reason. ‘Cause while I know it frequently happens to kids of color in the D.C hoods… Err-um, on the newly gentrified U Street is another story. Poppin’ off on them ivy league edu-ma-cated trustfund pinktoes?
Good luck with that.

Be sure to peep the video. $5 says dude is unemployed before the strike of midnight on New Year’s Eve.

famous or not…

By on December 21, 2009 in end of days, it's not a game out there, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

To say I was shocked to hear of Brittany Murphy’s death is putting it lightly. I LOVED so many of her performances- Clueless, Girl, Interrupted, Spun, and the list goes on. Real talk? She was totally a friend in my head. And despite whatever she may have allegedly been going through lately, it’s heartbreaking to learn that anyone at the age of 32 can suffer and die from a heart attack. *makes mental note to get my butt to the gym*


And I’d definitely be remiss if I didn’t also mention the passing of another wonderful actress who over the years brought a lot of laughter to my life- Alaina Reed Hall a.k.a Rose from 227. Apparently the 63 year-old passed away last week after battling breast cancer. *makes mental note to check the twins for lumps as soon as I get in the shower*

But I also ned to take a moment to send a special prayer out to family and friends of 25 year-old Euthisa Revee Renix. The pregnant mother of one suffered a seizure and also died of cardiac arrest while working at a Au Bon Pain in Brooklyn. The difference here is that there were two lazy ass NYC EMTs in store when Euthisa initially collapsed. And they absolutely refused to interrupt their breakfast break to help resuscitate her. Matter-of-fact, the two callous bastards advised one of homegirl’s co-workers to “call 911″ and then they walked out before back-up ever arrived. * makes mental note to light a candle cause those two are going straight to hell*

Um, raise your hand if you’re ready not just for a new year but a new decade.

pick ya poison…

By on December 18, 2009 in end of days, going to hell in a handbasket, pocket full of dirty tissue, tapped out

Wow, there’s a lot going on for the Friday before Xmas break, huh?


First, there’s Cincinnati Bengal Chris Henry’s untimely, tragic ACCIDENTAL death (yeah, I’m calling it an accident. ‘Cause if you jump in the bed of the truck that I’m driving to get the hell away and you subsequently fall out- That ‘ish is NOT my fault). My sincere prayers go out to all of his family and friends.

Then, Mama Tina (finally) filed the divorce papers. Now, I’m no fan of divorce but can’t say I blame the woman. She’s too damn old to have to adopt and raise yet ANOTHER one of Papa Knowles’ illegitimate offspring. She did her part w/ Kelly. This time around, Matthew is on his own. No offense.

And in what, as a professional writer,I consider to be a particularly disheartening and downright disgusting story, it seems the Wayans brothers are getting sued AGAIN for stealing someone else’s book/film idea. COME ON. Like seriously, there are not one, not two, but THREE of ya’ll Negroes. Is it that damn difficult to a) chip in and PAY folks for their intellectual property or b) CREATE your own ‘ish??? *DEAD FISH EYES*

But seriously, who needs to gossip about celebrities when real life is so freaking off the chain?

Just yesterday a career criminal who had 14 prior arrests for offenses that include manslaughter, assault, drugs and robbery, kicked in the door of a fellow con he met while serving time for manslaughter and killed dude, his brother and his father. According to the NY Post “Gunman Hector Quinones blew away 24-year-old Carlos Rodriguez Jr., and his father Carlos Rodriguez Sr., 52, and then repeatedly stabbed grandfather Fernando Gonzalez, 87, to death before the elder Rodriguez’s wife and adult daughter walked unwittingly into the carnage in the apartment they all shared.”

But wait on it… As the genius is attempting to make his getaway down the fire escape, he got tangled up in his baggy pants, tripped and PLUNGED three stories to his death.

*crickets*

why old people don’t do clubs…

By on December 17, 2009 in going to hell in a handbasket, Mitzi- all day every day, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

So me and my girls went out on Tuesday night. You know, tis the season to be heading out into freezing cold in the middle of the night half-dressed in the name of a some holiday party or in this case, my friend Patty’s 40th Bday Bash. Now, overall the outing was actually really fun times. I mean, thanks to D. supplying us with the live entertainment as she got her grind on with the random guy who just so happened to be wearing one of those ex-con home arrest ankle monitoring bracelets. Uh-huh, as in ‘I just got out 12 hours ago and wanna get my party on before I have to check-in with the C.O.’ Mmm-hmmm, very Law &Order classy. *DEAD*

Moving on- because I told her that I wouldn’t talk about her momentary lapse of sanity. But I know ya’ll can keep a secret- Why are my ears STILL ringing from the damn music two day later??

Like seriously, yesterday I had an interview for this cool non-profit that I hope to be working with in 2010. And the whole time I’m sitting there trying to read lips and trying not to speak too loudly. Sigh. Uh-uh, my nerves are too bad for this kinda ish.

Needless to say I’m now, walking around here convinced that that loud ass sound system and wackass DJ- who randomly launched into this loud ass techno/ Pop Rock set in a room full of black people (where they do that at?)- has permanently impaired my hearing. Good grief.

Of course, none of this is going to stop me from carrying on with the rest of the holiday festivities. No sir. I will be up in Sin City tonight celebrating Karina’s birthday… Even if a bish gotta wear earplugs.

Don’t judge me (or my locked down lovin’ friend).

she sure don’t look sorry to me…

By on December 15, 2009 in end of days, made for the maury show, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

Oh uh-uh, I see the official coming out party for the angry white women continues in full speed. Mmm-hmm…

Yesterday in Wisconsin, 2 women accused gluing a cheating lover’s penis to his stomach back in July finally reached plea deals with the District Attorney.Um, gluing a man’s penis to his stomach because he cheated on you? Who does that?? And better yet, how they manage to get off with no jail time??

Mind you, these weren’t some young, hot headed twenty-something year-olds caught up in an emotional moment. The two women are grown ass, forty-eight and forty-three year-year-old women! And wait on it, neither of the two was actually married to the poor 37 year-old schlub that they tied up and stuck it to- literally.

But tell you what, I’m not gonna judge. Nope. I’ll simply sit back and enjoy the show.

u ain’t neva bigger than snoop…

By on December 10, 2009 in cuteness kills, pocket full of dirty tissue, that sense of entitlement

Yo, holdup, timeout. Why is Perez Hilton such a BEE-Yatch???

Now I’m the first to admit, I used to LIVE for his blog- the dirt, the dish, and of course, the doodles! But over the past year, Perez and his blog have become more and more about self-promotion and less about providing the scoop. His opinions have gone from snarky and sarcastic to either pure unadulterated ass kissing or hatefulness. Boo. Nobody needs that from a grown ass man who dyes his eyebrows to match his dated faux-hawk.

And apparently the folks at KTLA-Channel 5 in LA feel the same way about all that ra-ra ballroom diva ‘ish. ‘Cause when that fool stormed out of the studio before his scheduled appearance (that he apparently begged them for), their correspondents went IN! Bump the article, cue Drake and watch the video. Shit is BANANAS!!

And err-um, note to Perez: hell hath no fury like an old school broadcaster who’s already sick and tired of all you talentless new fangled media personalities stealing the shine. *DONE*

Get it Sam!

gotta love the mugshot grin…

By on December 10, 2009 in end of days, i die, it's in the genes, made for the maury show

See now, if you’re gonna get arrested for drunk driving THIS my dears is the way to do it!


According to police reports, 36 year-old Daniel Shilts of Waldo, Wisconsin ran his car into a pole at a gas station and almost slammed into a police cruiser. Then, after failing sobriety tests (DUH!) , the cops decided to transport him to the police station in the back of a squad car.

But wait… It’s at this point where, ‘ole dude begins taking a leak. And not only did he pee all over the back of the cop car, apparently he sprayed through the car’s divider and hit one of the officers in the back of the head with his urine.

*gags and falls over stone cold DEAD*

Okay, okay, I know it’s probably really awful to say but you gotta admit- this ‘ish is HILARIOUS!!! I mean, aside from the whole crashing into a pole and endangering the life of innocent people in the area part… But can you imagine the visual on that? Homeboy aimed and sprayed the back of the cop’s head??? Crazy. And he only saw ONE year in jail for that?? I wonder if this dude is some sort of trust fund baby…

Rich or not, Daniel is so lucky his lily white behind lives in Wisconsin. Cause had he pulled this stunt anywhere in New York… Or worse yet, be BLACK/ HISPANIC/ ASIAN/ COLORED??? No sir. We wouldn’t even be reading about the piss. More like another unidentified dead body in the morgue.

I’m just saying.

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