Mitzi Moments

Author: Mitzi

the music gods have smite us…

By on May 12, 2010 in end of days, pocket full of dirty tissue, why we as a people can't get ahead

And in the latest lowbrow breaking news: Gucci Mane has been released from jail!!

And I’m so sure you’ll be happy to know that according to the prepared statement that he mumbled his way through, “the rap game is in need of substance and he’s here’s for the streets right on time.” Oh and my favoritest line of the painful, self-indulgent, three minute monologue- “Oh and now that I’m free. Ironically, I feel like the most wanted man in Georgia.”

*confused silence*

Um, who is this dude again? And more importantly, why in the unholy-illiterate- hell would his publicist EVER encourage him to read ANYTHING out loud in a public setting? SMH. Seriously? Two words- You’re. Fired.

Listen, will somebody please call Big Boi and tell him to get his ass off Martha Stewart’s morning show, go find Andre 3000 and get both their asses back in the studio TOGETHER? Not now but, RIGHT NOW. Thanks.

makes me wonder what darryl strawberry is doin…

By on May 11, 2010 in Uncategorized

Clearly, fun times with the BFFs over the weekend distracted me from all the craziness going on in the celeb world. So forgive me if this topic is old news to you. I’m currently processing. *kanye shrug*


Lawrence Taylor got arrested?? For paying for sex with a child? SMH.

All them years playing in the league, your induction to the Hall of Fame, the inspiring recovery from drug addiction and even that recent appearance on DWTS, and THIS RIGHT HERE is how you going out? Arrested for prostitution charges involving a MINOR? I. Can’t.

Granted, according to the article I read this morning, the 16 year-old prostitute admits lying about her age. But still, I’m still giving your old ass a serious side-eye for having sex with any woman who 1) looks like a damn teenager and 2) clearly just had her ass beat by a pimp.

Honestly, I don’t know if this need to pay for intercourse with a woman less than half your age is an ego thing (’cause you don’t want to admit that you can no longer bag young cuties) or pride (’cause a hooker can’t complain when your D-game is wack).

DEAD FISH EYES

Either way, I’mma need you to want more for your legacy than the random chick holding impromptu press conferences outside her uncle’s apartment in the Bronx talking about, “The condom got stuck in me,”and “I told him, ‘I’d better not get pregnant.”

*silence*

happy early mother’s day while we at it…

By on May 6, 2010 in it takes a village, it's in the genes, using our powers for good

On the road again… Today, I’m headed to the D to celebrate the BFF’s graduation from law school. Woo Hoo! Sooo ridiculously proud and inspired. In honor of SPF making the magic happen while raising 2 wonderful little girls and taking care of a husband & home better than most folks I know- I leave you with a video that STAYS giving me life.


Enjoy.

when you see me w the ugly dude…

By on May 6, 2010 in cuteness kills, desperate cry for help, pocket full of dirty tissue, work it white girl

About a week or so ago, the patron saint of skanky chicks Courtney Love announced on Letterman that back in the day she frequently boned Gwen Stephanie’s fine ass husband Gavin Rossendale. Not really newsworthy except for the implication that Gavin was definitely dating Gwen when these alleged liaisons popped off.


*gags violently*

But honestly, aside from this being a mental picture that most of us would’ve easily lived our entire lives without, its not THAT big of a deal… Dirty chicks get around.

DEAD FISH EYES

But what I do find interesting are C-Love’s more recent comments about the glorious life of her va-jay-jay. Apparently the in a interview for FUSE, the self-proclaimed sex goddess credits her prowess in between the sheet to her jacked up grill. READ: she’s good a good lay because she’s got a face her mamma doesn’t even love.

*crickets*

You know, I’ve often heard my male friends discussing the pros and cons of keeping an ugly chick on stash for this very reason. Back in the day, they called it the paper Bag Theory- its a better lay as long as you don’t look at the face. *don’t judge us*

But I have to say, I didn’t really believe most of them. I always figured women went hard when 1) she liked the person she was having sex with and 2) the dude made it worth the effort. And if they’re so called ‘pretty’ girlfriend was a lazy lay it was because she was, well…. you do the math.

But maybe I was wrong. What do you think? Are “ugly” chicks (and dudes) swinging from chandeliers to distract from their appearance? Cause if so…

*adds homely right below STD-free on the list of qualities I’m looking for in a summer jump-off*

I’m just saying.

they got it just right…

By on May 5, 2010 in keep hope alive, Mitzi- all day every day

I love how the universe works. The other day when the weather started to catch a ‘tude and rain on my parade, I realized how long it’d been since I’d gone to the movies. And I made a mental noted to go see something-anything in the near future. And then, voila! My homie invited me to the premiere of the new Queen Latifah/ Common flick, Just Wright.

*insert image of my ta-dow grin*

Bear in mind, while I love me some Latifah (unless she’s singing) and enjoy Common musically, I wasn’t necessarily convinced that I wanted to see the two of them get it on on the big screen. And then Paula Patton trying to be funny? DEAD FISH EYES.

But I have to say, I was pleasantly surprised.

Latifah is on point for this role. In addition to being Cover Girl beautiful, her sense of comedic timing gets significantly better with every movie. Mind you, Paula Patton was PERFECT as the hooch gold-digger. Who knew?? I’m not going to give anything away but just wait until you see her in the morning scene after the party. Hee-larious. And not for nothing, as long as he had his pants on Common was alright with me (yeah, the whole knobby knees/ skinny calves was a wee bit distracting for the kid). It’s very obvious he’s been working with a new acting couch on this.

I’m not gonna lie, the plot was relatively predictable. But STILL, it was sososo cute. It’s beyond refreshing to see a well done romantic comedy with strong black actors. No lie, for that hot hour and fifteen minutes, I totally fell in love with the idea of romance and love all over again. *swoons and spins in pirouette* Happy Sigh.

Hopefully, this will be the start of another round of movies featuring Black actors worth coughing up the $12.50 to see.

*side-eyes Madea while crossing fingers, toes, legs, arms*

everyday a star is born…

By on May 4, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, Mitzi- all day every day

Okay, today’s post is courtesy of my homie G-Payton. Who bless his little heart, keeps my inbox full of the tomfoolery. For those who have had the pleasure of viewing the ‘Yes Dance’ video (an earlier GP jewel), you already know. So please do not ask me where, how or WHY he found this particular video. But please be clear- my mouth remains WIDE OPEN.


It’s just so… I’m feel so… I mean, are these dudes straight? Even if they’re not hetero, as grown men, how do you even coordinate something like this???

Wait, wait, I know! It probably went a little something like this:

Boy 1: “Yo, I got a dope idea.”
Boy 2: “What, what’s up?”
Boy 1: “Let’s strip down to our shorts and baseball caps and then gyrate for the camera.”
*There’s a moment of silence. and then…
Boy 3: “Yoooo, that’s hot son! That is so hot!”
Boy 1: “And hold up, hold up- we can even have solos and shit…”
Boy 3:”Word! I’m down!”
*Everyone gets hype and starts jumping around the dorm-sized living room. Except for…
Boy 4: “I don’t know ya’ll… Cause I’m still working on physique for bikini season.”
Boy 5: Okay, well you hold the camera. Just make sure you zoom in close on me when it my turn for the solo…”
Boy 6: Whatever my dude, just be sure you hold the camera steady when I get to dropping it like it’s hot.”
Boy 2: “True, true.”
Boy 4: “Trust me my dudes, I’mma make ya’ll famous!”
*Grabs the camera, cues the music and voila!

BLANK STARE

white girls jumpin on the kanye workout plan…

By on May 3, 2010 in cuteness kills, keep hope alive, work it white girl

Lord haf mercy! Misty, muggy spring days make me sleepy. And I’m thinking the three blueberry/ banana pancakes I just scarfed down prob didn’t do much to help. Sigh.


*discreetly wipes syrup from my chin*

But I gotta tell you, all the itis in theWORLD didn’t stop me from doing a double take at this picture of Jessica Simpson and Gabourey Sidibe taken at the this year’s White House Correspondents Dinner.

Yo.

What is going on with Jessica Simpson? Like seriously, I get the whole, I ‘d rather be healthy than a dry-heaving bulimic mess bandwagon she’s riding now that her albums are doing double dust. But the day a former pin-up girl stands beside the girl who played Precious and she DOESN’T look like a rail? Oh uh-uh… Somebody in her camp needs to call Celebrity Fit Club and make the magic happen.

No offense.

Granted, it probably doesn’t help that Gabby seems to have lost weight from the time she was doing promotions for the film but still… I saw the Essence cover. Homegirl ain’t lost that damn much.

BLANK STARE

And I don’t know if it’s the plain Jane shoulder length hair, the awkward way her right arm pinned to her side or perhaps bright yellow boat neck dresses that hit the ugly spot right below the kneecap just aren’t Jessica’s thing… All I’m saying is there’s got to be a better way.

*cough* and it probably starts with sit-up or two *cough*

they’re back…

By on April 30, 2010 in Mitzi- all day every day

Unfortunately, instances have become few and far in between, but there are still days when being an independent journalist does have it’s perks.


This was definitely one of them.

Thanks to the kind folks at Sony Pictures, I just got to watch an advance screening of the long awaited season 3 premiere of The Boondocks. Woo Hoo, Go Mitzi!!

And I have to tell you, it was definitely worth the wait.

I’m not going to give the plot way but be clear Aaron McGruder is a genius. And I so heart his little subversive mind. And quite honestly, if you watch this episode and don’t laugh at crazy ass Riley, self loathing Uncle Ruckus or the ridiculous car wash getaway scene then we can be friends.

And who wants that?

Be sure to tune in, THIS Sunday at 11.30p on the Adult Swim.

to the beat of the drum…

By on April 30, 2010 in end of days, it's in the genes, tapped out

Okay, see my boy RS told me about this craziness when it was first reported on Bossip. But it just so happened to be the same day as the whole Sandra Bullock loves the kids/ Oklahoma hates women/ white folks are importing serial killers from Russia stories popped off. And quite honestly, so I had reached my limit on tomfoolery for a single 24 hour period.


But now that CNN done broke it down in a video… I can sorta put it into words.

Basically- last Saturday night, this dude in Florida chopped off his mother’s head, put it in a bag, walked around the corner tossed it in a lot. Then woke up his demented ass up the next day and went to play the drums at church? The early service? And the neighbors describe him as a quiet, nice guy who loved God and his mama?

BLANK STARE

And then you wonder why the majority of my friends and I give overzealous, super-sanctified church folks a WIDE ass berth??? Man listen, all that Jesus talk and Bible beating then next thing you know, it’s off with your head. I. Can’t.

I sure hope dude who told me that his friends wouldn’t consider dating me b/c I don’t subscribe to the same faith got wind of this story. ‘Cause it seems to me, that they would want to be a whole lot less worried about my soul and a little more concerned with the state of mind of some of their fellow congregation members. I’m just saying.

*drops the mic and walks away*

won’t speak ill of the dead but the family…

By on April 29, 2010 in end of days, made for the maury show, tagging out

Hmm. People have a lot of ideas on the way they want to be buried- in their favorite outfit, with their signature glove, face down so the world can kiss their a**…. the list goes on. But one thing that’s pretty consistent, is that all of these personal decisions involve a casket. You know as in a body INSIDE the casket. Um, guess 22 year-old David Morales Colon’s family didn’t get that memo.


Apparently, they decided to bypass the casket and post their son’s body up on his favorite motorcycle. So that he’ll be happily riding for eternity.

BLANK STARE

It’s too early in the morning for this. No, I take that back. There’s NEVER a good time for this. The End.

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