Mitzi Moments » cuteness kills

not mean, just observant…

Mitzi — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 14:34:00 +0000

So the headline on the article related to this god awful photo reads:

Kevin Federline Debuts Girlfriend’s Baby Bump

In light of what a filthy, tub of lard K-Fed has become, am I the only one who thinks it would’ve been damn near as accurate (and way funnier) to say:

Kevin Federline Debuts Baby Bump

*barely smothers a giggle*

I’m jussayin.

iyanla (1), nir (-1000000000)…

Mitzi — Thu, 17 Feb 2011 15:36:00 +0000

Hmm, so I guess yesterday was the official ‘Get In That Ass’ TV Journalist holiday, huh?

First, Oprah went IN on poor Iyanla Vanzant for trying it on her time and going hard about getting her own show before Oprah felt ready to give it to her. And I mean, she got O-P-E-N.

Poor Iyanla was crying and begging for forgiveness before she could even take her seat properly. Um, can you say AKWARD? And then to make matters worse, once they started talking it really seemed like this THIRTEEN year beef was nothing more than a simple misunderstanding between two strong-willed women who were both waaaaaay too sensitive.

Poor Iyanla went looking for extra validation and reassurance from Oprah but unfortunately, she went about it the wrong way. And Oprah (who if you remember wasn’t as secure in her own success back in her KKK interviewing days), perceived Iyanla’s stepping to her, with lawyers and asking for more concrete assurance (cause they were already in loose negotiations) that she’s be given her own show- because “someone important” a.k.a. shady ass Barbara Walters, counter offered as ungrateful. So O and her right hand white girl (cause there’s always an assistant that’s more offended than the leader) were like, Word? Well, actually Iyanla you can go ‘head with that.

You know, kinda like when you tell the dude you KNOW wanna be with that you’re thinking about kicking it with the random next dude just to get a reaction… and instead of telling you not to or that he’ll be pissed if you do, he wishes you good luck?

BLANK STARE

Right.

But when I tell you Mama O didn’t have NOTHING on Anderson Cooper’s interview/ public thrashing of dick head journalist Nir Rosen who tweeted “Lara Logan had to outdo Anderson,” about the CNN correspondent, who was reportedly sexually assaulted AND punched in the head multiple times while covering the recent celebrations in Egypt. And then homeboy ignorantly followed that comment up with, “Yes yes it’s wrong what happened to her. Of course. I don’t support that. But it would have been funny if it happened to Anderson too.”

BABY!!

Anderson lit homeboy’s arse and alibi on FIRE. Every time dude tried to explain and apologize, Anderson just went deeper and deeper and DEEPER. Shoot, I promise you, after it was over dude had a serious case of diarrhea.

Oh well. Cause Anderson Cooper might be a certified media whore but bump no one deserves to have a sexual assault or ass whooping made marginalized.

nothing to cheer about…

Mitzi — Wed, 22 Dec 2010 17:50:00 +0000

Wow, did anyone even know that a former NFL cheerleader has been missing for the past week??? Anybody? Anybody? Nobody?

*crickets*

Yeah, me neither. SMDH. Call me paranoid but, it really feels like folks have just been straight disappearing into thin air this past year.

*shudders*

And although her alledgdly abusive ex-boyfriend was the last known person to see her alive (of course), what makes this case super duper messy is that apparently homegirl was no angel herself.

PAUSE.

Uh huh, apparently, Miss Congeniality was seriously in debt to the tune of tens of thousands of dollars. And wait on it… had not one but FOUR restraining orders taken out against her by different people as well- three different dudes and a chick.

BLANK STARE.

Err-um, yeah that’s a lot.

So tell you what, I’m just gonna say a little prayer that Debbie returns home safely from wherever or whatever she’s caught up in. And hopefully, the new year brings her much ore peace and happiness than 2010.

the babies don’t want this for you…

Mitzi — Thu, 16 Dec 2010 11:00:00 +0000

Okay can I tell you how excited I am that Nick finally confirmed that Mariah is expecting AND more importantly, that the couple are having twins??

Because not for nothing, if fertility drugs and wilding out on chicken wings were the ONLY reason homegirl is waddling around looking like she has a mini-fridge strapped to her once flat tummy, I was going to be so, so sad for her… and the plastic surgeon that has to try and put it all back to together.

*shrug*

I’m jussayin. That snapback ain’t same when you’re over 40.

But riddle me this Robin, what in the eyesore HELL is Mariah wearing in this picture?

I promise you, that fugly ass, long-sleeve, school marm dress is cut from some raggedy bedazzled, lace covered, Christmas quilt material made in a sweatshop in China. It has too be. And the placement of the droopy satin bow? Right under what have clearly become her ample size EFZ boobs??

No ma’am Miss Mariah. I cannot.

For this, I’d MUCH rather she be back in her something from her rainbow colored collection itsy bitsy bullshit ass stretch dresses . At least that tomfoolery, I’m already mentally accustomed. Cause this craziness right here, is making my nerves bad. Lord…

*reaches for a handful of the little blue and red pills*

PS. I’m EXTRA mad at Nick for standing there, skinning and grinning while his wife looks like bloody road kill. You’re wrong for that Mr. Cannon. DEAD ASS WRONG!!

i don’t have the eye or stomach for it…

Mitzi — Thu, 07 Oct 2010 03:36:00 +0000

When it comes to careers, I firmly believe everyone should take the time to figure out what they love and more importantly, what they do well. And then, once you have that info- MAKE IT HAPPEN.

Cause there is nothing worse than spending a lifetime toiling away at something you don’t give 2 shits about or worse, SUCK at.

Case in point: this photo from the Chloe Spring Summer 2011 runway shoe.

Now, I am willing to bet my LAST dollar that many naturally gifted fashionistas and stylists around the world are SWOONING over this overpriced piece of leather and plastic sewn together somewhere behind God’s back in China. Mmm-hmm… I can just hear the high-pitched squeals now.

BLANK STARE

I, on the other hand, am so distracted by the mangled toes on the model wearing said shoe, that I can’t even utter a word. Let alone imagine myself wearing it. Chunky, golden plated kitten heel and all.

*sucks back of the teeth LOUDLY*

I mean seriously, who beat this poor girl’s toes to a pulp like this? And with all the make-up artists on hand backstage, the best they could come up with was to throw some clear polish on them Fred Flinestone nails? As opposed to, I don’t know, some damn cover-up?

Uuugh.

Like I said, everything ain’t for everyone.

black done cracked…

Mitzi — Tue, 05 Oct 2010 17:09:00 +0000

Well goddamn, what in the accelerated aging process happened to Craig David??

Last time I looked he was this young British upstart with penchant for knit ski caps and EXTREMELY well groomed eyebrows boppin’ around to his adorable single, ‘Fill Me In‘.

And now…

Shoot, negro looks like he been living through HARD times (and more than his far share of steroid shots to the ass).

Sigh. All I can say is, “let us pray.”

*bows head & passes collection plate*

its all about choices…

Mitzi — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 16:16:00 +0000

Why lawd god, why????

Who in the hell told Fantasia she could get away with wearing a skin tight dress sans the proper undergarments? Like, in life? Let alone, for a nationally televised appearance on Good Morning America? I can’t. My eyes hurt from looking at this craziness.

Yes, I know that the super strength, full body slimmers can be kinda pricey. And yes, I understand that she was already two seconds off of dead-ass broke before racking up the new medical bills. But still…

I think I can comfortably say that the majority of us would much rather see Fanny repeat an outfit or two rather than look at pictures of her saggy boobs, side roll ripples and flabby belly hanging over the top of the generic low-rise Spanx (which for the record, should never be peeping out from under the dress, thanks).

There’s got to be a better way.

(And you know I’m trying to be a better person, because I’m not even gonna go in on the ridiculous sideburns, extra pale pink lip gloss that does nothing for her lips or how filthy the tattoos on her legs make her appear. Thank you very much.)

this is for danita…

Mitzi — Fri, 20 Aug 2010 16:33:00 +0000

Happy Summer Friday everybody! As the summer winds down, I hope you’re using every last minute to cut up in the sunshine.

Oh and before you head out the door, here’s yet another face from the back of the ‘missing 90s R&B singers’ milk carton for you to be on the lookout for… Have a great weekend!

a mouthful…

Mitzi — Mon, 19 Jul 2010 16:23:00 +0000

Uuugh, just got the call from the dentist’s office. It’s time for the bi-annual cleaning. FML.

I hate going to the dentist. No, I mean I really, really HATE going to the dentist. Like, I get freaked out from the moment I enter the building until my feet hit the sidewalk on the way home. And please don’t let me me actually need to have something more than a quick cleaning done… Oh uh-uh, more times than I care to share, tears have rolled down my face in that godforsaken office.

DEAD FISH EYES.

And I understand that I should be used to it by now but no matter how hard I try and psyche myself into thinking it’s no big deal, I can’t relax. I just don’t like anyone scraping, scratching and lasering all up in my mouth. Cause not for nothing but the minute they mess up, I gotta walk around a shitty wreck for the next week or so. And I don’t care how apologetic they are, there’s NOTHING worse than when your teeth hurt. You can’t eat, sleep, hear, or even think without being in pain! Sigh.

Okay, now that I’ve gotten that off my chest. I guess I’ll call this chick back and make my appointment. Dammit.

he needs to thank his mama…

Mitzi — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 14:48:00 +0000

So I went to a party this past weekend and met the 16 year-old cousin of a friend. He’s about six feet, super adorable, sweet but obviously young and more important, obviously underage.

Turns out, homeboy is dating a 20 year-old college junior. And wait on it… she’s really cute.

PAUSE

Now you know, at first I was like WTF?? Why in the world would a junior in college (who could clearly date men her age AND older) want to date was a damn junior in HIGH SCHOOL? I don’t care how freakin’ cute he is… It made no sense. I was so confused.

But that was Saturday night, before I saw the above picture of Puff’s son Justin chilling at the pool.

*blank stare with 3 looong blinks*

And for a hot second, I remembered all the energy that excited 16 years-old boys inherently have… Um, yeah. Can you say instant clarity?

Now, I’m not saying it’s right or that I would EVER, EVER,EVER get down like that… at 34. But real talk, if 16 year-old boys had looked anywhere NEAR this developed back in the day, it might’ve been a different story.

*kanye shrug*

Charge it to the game.